I'm sure most columnists who are graduating use their last article to convey the lessons they have learned in the previous four years and how they plan to apply what they've learned in college to the real world that lies before them.
Well, I'm a townie, and my real world upon graduation is still going to be Medford, albeit the west side. Any of the lessons I will need couldn't be learned in college - they have been accumulated by being indigenous to this Route 16 jungle.
So, rather than BS-ing some solemn, mature message about how my character has been shaped at Tufts (unless you are a student of keg stand domination or "Super Smash Brothers" strategy), I think it'd be more fitting for me to let you know some possibilities that lie before me, in this little place thought by some to be heaven on earth: Medford.
There are plenty of ways to earn a buck on these hallowed streets, so here are the top four odd jobs/townie entrepreneurship schemes for me as I take the giant leap to my parent's house.
4. Homeless: In case I come across a situation that causes me to be kicked out onto the street (say if I jinx a Sox win or regularly leave half-full beers at dinner), this could be something I'd have to deal with. And don't think for a second I'm not prepared.
I technically wouldn't be considered "homeless" due to my uncanny ability to build forts (I've been watching a lot of "Man vs. Wild" lately), so I'm pretty optimistic about a five-star shanty made of empty 30-racks, banana peels and stolen Wild Oats shopping carts.
A solid trade-off for being homeless, too, would be that I definitely won't have to make up some excuse for not shaving and constantly wearing sweatpants and hoodies. It would make insults like "Pete, you seriously look homeless today," sound mean and politically incorrect, so in my eyes, I'd be breaking even.
3. Mayor: Like New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, a former townie as well, I would love to be the head of one of the greatest cities in the world - though I think Medford's mayoral duties would be a little more difficult and honorable than those of the town of New York.
As mayor, I feel that Medford would enter a Golden Age of fun and hedonism in this Townietatorship. Beer cans would be an acceptable form of currency, and the open container rule would be changed. Instead, you'd be arrested for not having at least two open alcoholic beverages on your person at all times.
Townie town meetings will be held at either Goodtimes or Tavern on the Hill and, one day each month, a festival called "Townie-Stock" will shut the city down. It will be a day-long pub crawl and inner-city Beirut tournament where the winner gets to be mayor for a month while I vacation at Revere Beach.
2. Convenience store gambler: Most professional gamblers stick to casinos, running people in Texas Hold 'Em or beating the house in blackjack. Unfortunately for me, casinos also like to serve free drinks while the people gamble, and it is humanly impossible for me to turn down basically anything if it's free, so I don't think it'd be a strong financial decision to be blackout at work instead of after it.
Instead, I'll stick to convenience store Keno, scratch tickets and competitive hustling.
"Hey Pete, how was work today?"
"Not bad, actually. Won a grand in Keno, then taunted the elderly people losing next to me, won a Harley on a scratch ticket, lost it to the Broken Yolk guy who scares me in a game of chess, then grifted some little leaguers in stickball Home Run Derby for like 50 bucks and a Manny rookie card, but I took one of their Huffy bikes with front and back pegs as collateral. Looks like we won't need the dollar menu tonight."
1. Townie Tours: Boston has its Duck Tours, so why can't Medford have Townie Tours? All you'd need is a Crown Vic, some inflatable swimmies to make the car buoyant for the Mystic, and a super-townie extraordinaire to guide the tour ... check, check and check.
I mean, on paper, this could be the next Google. It'd be a cross between a safari and a party bus.
"On your left, you can see a pride of townies imbibing the nectar of the streets, Natty Ice. Do not taunt or make eye contact with them, for they are an aggressive species, and, in the case of an attack, the S.S. Big Papi is equipped with nips of tequila and alimony bills, universally known as the Townie's kryptonite."
Sign me up.
Unfortunately, it's time for me to bid you all a fond farewell. It's been a blast writing this column and expanding the minds of all non-townie mortals. If you have any queries regarding all things townie, feel free to shoot me an e-mail, and if that doesn't work, well, you'll know where to find me.
Townie, out.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at Peter.Mckeown@tufts.edu.
