As a peer at this fine institution, your fellow colleague in the pursuit of knowledge, and a member of the female community in search of a worthy and admirable companion, I beseech your invaluable attention regarding a matter of grave importance.
In my optimistic, romantic (albeit skewed) perception of reality, I was led to believe that men were gallant creatures overflowing with gentility, esteem and reverence who hold themselves to the highest standards of decorum and benevolence, and demand that of all those around them.
I ask you, in a most sincere and bewildered manner, why do I see before me a group of strapping young boys completely absorbed by 20 cups of stale beer and a soiled ping-pong ball?
What's more, I see beside me a lovely collection of sophisticated ladies, slightly bored, discussing issues ranging from the Iraqi war to John Galliano's winter line.
By no means should you interpret this to be my only concept of Tufts boys. I see you asking meaningful questions in class and providing thoughtful insights in discussions. You spend hours in Tisch pouring over tedious problem sets and lengthy papers.
So why, I ask, are you destined to excel in academic arenas or fraternal foolishness? Why not extend your diligence and assertiveness to your romantic relationships?
Before you judge my intentions and assume that I am blatantly criticizing the male populace, let me assert that hope is not lost. I avidly recognize the potential of your reformation and personal growth. If you're capable of the academic feats that got you into Tufts, you can certainly maneuver your way through the imposing fog of romance towards an unobstructed functional relationship. Let me offer you my most humble advice to improve your interaction with the genuinely eager and engaging women around you:
1. If you're capable of choosing players for fantasy football and dividing the cost of a keg between all your friends, I know you can handle picking an acceptable restaurant to take a girl out on a date. Anna's is not OK. Chipotle, while delicious, won't suffice either. If you need some direction, www.Boston.com gives great dining suggestions organized by location, price and cuisine. If trading Lamont Jordan for a better running back isn't that tough of a call, you can pick a place to dine for two.
2. Wear loafers out to dinner. Unless you're going to a Springsteen concert, Birkenstocks are unacceptable. And if you even think about wearing socks with them, you've just committed yourself to celibacy.
3. If you're too shy to handle an entire meal with the girl you like, go get ice cream! No matter how cold it is outside, or how skinny the girl is, no one can turn down cow tracks with fudge!
4. As much as we enjoy seeing you in your natural habitat of beer, dirty laundry and FIFA '08, we want to go out with you. In a few weeks, the ice skating rink in Boston Common will open until 10 p.m. Ice-skating might be the most precious outing ever. For $12, you really can't go wrong.
I have such faith in you boys because I know you're capable of greatness. Despite any social shortcomings you may possess, we excuse them in the hopes of one day seeing your positive attributes shine through. We know you're smart; you got into Tufts for a reason. Now show us that there's more up there than sport statistics, econ equations and good aim.
Be the gentlemen we know you are.
Lara Levi is a junior majoring in art history. She can be reached at lara.levi@tufts.edu.
