Welcome back one and all to the weekly installment of mayhem and grisly-but-printable death. This week we have horror movie stars Freddy Krueger from "Nightmare on Elm Street" (1984), Jason Vorhees from "Friday the 13th" (1980), Mchael Myers from "Halloween" (1978), and Jigsaw from "Saw" (2004) in a fight to the gore-filled finish.
As the serial killers step into the ring, Jigsaw immediately starts assembling grotesque dolls and hangs a video camera from the ceiling. Freddy Krueger gets excited, thinking that there is some child molesting to be had later, composes a dirty limerick and starts dancing around like an idiot.
Michael Myers jumps into the ring because one of the dolls vaguely resembles Jamie Lee Curtis and starts charging at the doll with the knife. Jigsaw, fearful that his delicate trap could be compromised, leaps in the middle to defend his genius plan. Unfortunately his intervention is ill-timed, for his clown-like body plunges into Myer's long, sword-like knife already covered in teenage blood.
In the background, the producers of the "Saw" series are screaming in anguish, knowing that Jigsaw's untimely -- but without a doubt well deserved -- death will end the lucrative series they were planning to extend to "Saw DVII."
In the midst of the chaos, Jason jumps out of nowhere. His hockey mask is terrifying enough, but this time there is the voice of an old woman screaming orders emanating from his blood-soaked facial covering. He grabs the enormous knife out of Myers' hands and swiftly decapitates him, his masked face rolling across the cage floor.
Freddy Krueger, still waiting for children to come so he can kill them in their sleep, sensing danger, picks up Myers' skull and chunks it at Jason. As Jason hits the floor, Jigsaw's video camera falls from the ceiling, lands on top of Freddy and bursts into flames. Slowly he burns to death, reliving his boiler-room mishap. Jason picks himself up, drops the knife and walks away, seemingly mumbling to himself in the high pitch voice of an elderly woman. Some mothers just never leave.
-by Grant Beighley and Kristin Gorman
