Hanukkah and the NBA - (cue Missy Elliot voice) damn, that's hot.
Eight crazy nights of roundball and God's greatest creation: potato latkes. Life doesn't get much better. Needless to say, I was on cloud nine after lighting the menorah and settling in to watch Celtics vs. Sixers.
During the broadcast, sideline reporter Greg Dickerson did a vignette about Ray Allen's performance in the movie "He Got Game," in which Allen plays basketball phenom Jesus Shuttlesworth. In the film, Shuttlesworth is named after legendary guard Earl Monroe, known on the streets of Philly as Black Jesus.
All this holy talk got me thinking - why don't we Jews have a basketball savior?
The list of all-time Hasidic hoopers pretty much starts and ends with Dolph Schayes, one of the NBA's 50 greatest players. But that is simply not enough representation for us sons of Abraham. We need a player who will forever elevate Jews into the realm of athletic credibility, a player who is larger than the game, a player of biblical - nay, Torah-sized - proportions.
And I've got just the fictional character for the job. Let's fast-forward 50 years from now, as we reflect on the life and times of the man who changed perceptions of Jewish ballers forever.
Moses Leibowitz was a product of the mean streets of Brookline, Mass., where he first fell in love with basketball playing behind the delis of Coolidge Corner. His father was a rabbi and wanted Moses to follow in his footsteps, but blessed with athleticism, size and coordination, Moses soon realized that his true calling was basketball.
Moses' decision angered and disappointed his father, but this only fueled Moses to work harder at his game. By his Bar Mitzvah, Moses was a sculpted 6-foot-3, 200 pounds. At age 13, he broke the Jewish Community Center's scoring record by dropping 123 points on traditional powerhouse Temple Binet Israel.
His legend only grew from there. By his senior year, Moses was 6-foot-7 and 230 pounds, the most athletic player in the country and also the most sought-after prospect.
Moses' recruitment was epic, to say the least. Billy Donovan and Roy Williams both converted to Judaism in an effort to land him. Mike Krzyzewski offered to rename Cameron Indoor Stadium the Potato Latke Pavilion. And in one of the biggest recruitment scandals of all time, John Calipari illegally purchased a diamond-encrusted yarmulke for Moses. Despite their efforts, Moses stayed true to himself and his people - he enrolled at Brandeis.
Over his four years, Moses averaged 46, 15 and 13 and led the Judges to four Div. III national championships, meanwhile earning national recognition as the "Jewish Jordan."
Of course, Moses was the No. 1 pick in the 2018 NBA Draft, going to the New York Knicks. Moses changed the face of the NBA game forever, averaging a triple-double for his career and claiming nine MVP awards and eight titles. His most famous play came when he "parted the Red Sea" by splitting a Chicago Bulls double team and windmill dunking on their entire franchise. Moses' impact on the game was so large that Michael Jordan himself is now known as the Christian Moses Leibowitz.
He made history off the court as well, signing the most lucrative endorsement deal in history with Hebrew National hot dogs. He was also the first player to negotiate his own contract.
The only blemish on his legacy was a Manischewitz-related DUI incident, but Moses publicly repented and Jewdom quickly forgave its hero.
I just reached my quota of Jewish stereotypes. Time to wrap it up. So Shalom, happy Hanukkah, and here's hoping little Moses is out there somewhere.
Danny Joseph is a sophomore majoring in English. He can be reached at Daniel.Joseph@tufts.edu.
