Sitting down to write for the last time this semester made me think about my first time. No, not the blowjob column. But my first time.
I vividly remember the little white sundress I was wearing. I remember what day in June it was. I remember the Hugo Boss cologne he had on. I have absolutely no recollection of the actual sex.
In fact, I'm pretty sure the sex never even crossed my mind. I was too busy freaking out that there was, indeed, a penis inside of me to be concerned with petty things like pleasure.
That magical experience we build up in our heads - the perfect place with the perfect person in a whole world of perfection - simply doesn't exist. Reality is a much harsher world where we don't know what we're doing, and we're mad awkward, and ow! That f-king hurt!
Our fantasies neglect the pressures and expectations inherent in the real act of losing your virginity - before, during and after.
Deciding between just doing it, waiting for someone special or waiting until marriage are all very real decisions that need to be made. I have multiple college friends, both male and female, who have chosen to stay abstinent until either meeting Mr. or Ms. Right or a big shiny rock takes up residence on their left hand.
Then again, in many machismo cultures, fathers find it acceptable to allow promiscuous whores at the local Red Light District to deflower their precious baby boys. Does a prostitute really adequately constitute your first time?
This brings me to the dual concept of first times: There's your first, and then there's your first.
The act of having sexual intercourse for the first time comprises your first: If a penis was inserted into a vagina, then yes, you lost your virginity. (I'll address homosexuality in a minute.)
But in my own world, and the worlds of most people, for that matter, there is the person you lost your physical virginity to, and then there's the person you lost your emotional virginity to. I know that sounds curious. I'm referring to the first person you had meaningful, emotional, loving sex with. That's your first: intimate sex where your connection is more than just physical.
The first time you have sex is usually really awkward, confusing and even painful. Your mind is overwhelmed with the clutter of insecurities and inhibitions: Is she enjoying this? Am I doing it right? How much longer?
Making bad decisions is a popular pastime. It's not the end of the world. So it didn't go as well as expected - so what?
While a hymen might've been broken, until you intimately connect with someone and make love as opposed to have sex, you are entitled to consider yourself whatever you want. No matter what anyone tells you, you have the right to name your own first.
After discussing the terms of virginity with several gay male friends, I understand their criteria for losing your virginity depends on insertion. I'll leave it at that. Oh, and blowjobs do not constitute losing your V-card, sorry.
For homosexual women: Ladies, it's completely your own perception - anything goes.
Losing your virginity is a deeply personal choice. Everyone relates to it differently. Don't get overwhelmed by expectations and pressure. At the end of the day, you just entered into the wonderful world of sex!
Your first time may have been scary or lousy or boring - or it may have been just the tip - but who cares? You've got a whole life of great sex to make up for it!.
Enjoy!
Lara Levi is a junior majoring in art history. She can be reached at lara.levi@tufts.edu.
