While some use Presidents Day to reflect on American heroes such as Abraham Lincoln and Warren G. Harding, I enjoy pondering the pursuits of famous presidents of stupidity in athletics. A toast to Mike Tyson, an ode to Bobby Knight and some quality Dennis Rodman time are always key.
This week, three sports characters celebrated Presidents Day (albeit a week late) in the true spirit of the holiday - they each did something moronic. We visit the City of Brotherly Love for a not-so-brotherly issue, touch on the return of the NHL's first axe murderer and bid farewell to one of Indiana's dumbest coaches.
3. Fly like an Eagle. Some professional football players seem to have it all. Fame. Money. Women. Money. Philadelphia Eagles defensive tackle Mike Patterson had all of these luxuries (minus the fame, of course), but showed some signs this week of turning into the next Ricky Williams when he was arrested last Saturday (in South Jersey, of all places) for possession of marijuana. Because it's Patterson's first violation, he'll likely soon find himself in the NFL's substance abuse program and could even face a suspension.
Well, Mike, that's just fabulous! I'm sure that your coach, Andy Reid, would be delighted to know he has another drug case with which to deal. I'm not sure, however, that he'd be as nice as I am when I let you off with an error, simply because it's your first time getting caught. Just don't do it again.
2. Simon says... boo! New York Islanders forward Chris Simon finally returned to the ice this week after serving a record 30-game suspension for stepping on an opposing player's foot with his skate. Just last season, Simon received a then-record 25 games for smacking another player in the face with his stick. After outdoing himself with suspensions, Islanders fans weren't impressed, and they let Simon hear the boos each time he touched the puck in his homecoming. Simon responded by telling reporters that he would work hard to win the fans back.
Great idea, Chris. Maybe you could start by learning that the fundamentals of hockey don't include intentionally using the blades on your skates and the club in your hands as weapons. NHL, this one's on you - how could you let this man, who ruins the credibility of a great sport like hockey, back into the league?! Once a thug, always a thug. The NHL will see they've pulled a big mistake next time Simon tops himself yet again.
1. Telephone calls from Hell. The infection of corruption in sports reached the University of Indiana this week as men's basketball head coach Kelvin Sampson was accused of - and eventually fired for - committing five recruiting violations. Sampson allegedly carried out a number of flawed actions including hundreds of three-way phone calls with recruits and recruiting calls from an assistant coach's cell phone. Apparently Kelvin just couldn't keep his hands off that dial!
What makes this whole debacle so catastrophic? When your club is currently ranked No. 15 in the nation with only two conference losses, it's not the best time to get caught cheating. Wait, there's more! Sampson was charged with very similar allegations while coaching at the University of Oklahoma! What's the final straw? Several Hoosier players threatened to boycott the team's contest against Northwestern Saturday night - don't worry, they came around and snuck out with a win. Maybe in Sampson's next job (undoubtedly at some place like Denver Community College) he'll try to avoid all those fun conversations. Kelvin, getting caught cheating once is one thing, but to be caught twice is a sure calamity.
Jeremy Strauss is a sophomore majoring in environmental studies. He can be reached at Jeremy.Strauss@tufts.edu.
