"Oh fantasy world and Disney girls, I'm coming back."
- The Beach Boys
Ah, spring. That time of season when the weather is warming, birds are chirping, flowers are blossoming, there's a blizzard and you're covered in half a foot of snow. Oh well. At the very least, nothing warms up a cold Chicago spring break like that time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. So, with every guy out there dreaming of that very special princess just for him, I thought I would pay my respects to the greatest Technicolor starlets to ever grace our hearts. To that end, I give you "Ari Goldberg's Top Three Disney Princesses of All Time." Because, hey, if I can get away with passing off "list-making" as "journalism"...well, I'm writing over break; back off.
3) Ariel: Ariel has the distinction of being the third crush of my life, right after Princess Leia in the gold bikini and Melissa Joan Hart on "Clarissa Explains It All." It doesn't matter at all that we have no idea what she's got going on "under the sea" behind those scales. It's a mermaid fantasy; we just assume we can cross that bridge when we get to it. And for some reason, even though it doesn't make any physiological sense, she is somehow much less appealing when actually attainable as a human on land.
That probably says something about the male psyche, but then again, if we're already bothering to rank cartoon women in the first place, I think we can gloss over that. Granted, Ariel seems ditzy, but I've got a thing for redheads, so I think I can get past her calling forks "whozits" and "whatzits." But a wrathful father-in-law with a trident? That could be an issue since she's only 16 (unless you're my roommate).
2) Jasmine: A common No. 1 pick. She's got smarts, riches and a body that puts the raq in Iraq. (I know, I know, she's from Arabia - but let's just say I didn't have the guts to rhyme the female anatomy with "abia.") The only drawback is that she's the only Disney princess who never had to overcome anything, so you know she's spoiled. I mean, the girl owns a tiger! Although, on the flip side of that...she owns a tiger! If these are the kinds of girls they have in the Middle East, sign me up! Wait. No. That's probably a bad idea. Cancel that last part.
1) Belle: If Jasmine is your Long Island princess, then Belle is your Midwest farmer's daughter. She's got all of Jasmine's beauty but goes around humbly helping people, not parading around in that teasing bare midriff flaunting a pet tiger. She's also the only princess who doesn't fall for some dashing, hunky piece-of-meat prince. She falls in love with an aggressive, brusque, overbearing gorilla/lion/manbearpig thing. And if a guy like him can get a girl like her - well then, hey, even if your name isn't Tila, you have a shot at love after all.
Now, to be fair, this is not a complete list. If we were to include animals, for instance, my roommate wanted to include Bambi, and I just didn't have the heart to tell him that Bambi's a guy. Also, a lot of female friends were pulling for Mulan, but I don't know, I'm just not really into any love interest yelling "I'll make a man out of you" at me. Personally though, Spring turns my fancies to a deeper love anyway: baseball season! So Go Cubs Go! 2008 World Series!
Ari Goldberg is a senior majoring in history. He can be reached at Ari.Goldberg@tufts.edu.
