Congratulations! The power to decide the fate of an entire nation has been vested in you!
But, where do you begin? It's a big job, and screwing up is basically not an option. Here are some helpful guidelines and tips that might provide you with some insight:
1. Find the most pretentious person you know, and copy their speaking style. Remember, if they don't think you're a pompous ass, your document of supreme law will end up as toilet paper for some archduke who ate too much Taco Bell.
2. You must never use a number. No matter the amount (of states, for example), they shall be referred to as "several." Feel free to adopt this in your everyday life. For example, I ate several burritos, or George got a several on his biology final. There's one exception, however. In the Bill of Rights, for extra credit and pity points, label each right as Several-1, Several-2, and so on.
3. Spell check. Seriously, how embarrassing would that be?
4. Separation of powers is overrated. Everybody loves an emperor.
5. Be sure to add the term "keep it fresh" at the end of every sentence you feel is critically important. For example, "And the people shall not have their sovereign rights infringed by the government. Keep it fresh."
6. A half-eaten breakfast is no replacement for an interior minister.
7. The people enjoy some abuse every now and then. Be sure to add an amendment about mandatory police beatings every first Thursday of the month.
8. Having trouble getting started? Use the Ten Commandments. Be sure to change the word "God" to "[your name]," as it will greatly increase your odds of re-election.
9. This constitution will be the cornerstone of your country's legal system, and probably the most venerable piece of paper in all the land, so try not to spill on it. Note: Italian food should stay in the other room.
10. Comic Sans MS - the ultimate patriotic font.
11. The phrase "and he shall, from time to time," must be used as many times as the letter 'f' is used. Please note, if your country is named Federation of Fredonia, you're royally screwed.
12. Is your country low on cash? Sell ad space! Or better yet, make an endorsement deal! Nothing says patriotism like "Pepsi presents" before your country's name.
13. Making your birthday a national holiday is a bit narcissistic.
14. Shout-outs to family and friends should be limited to 10 percent of the word count. I mean, it's not your Facebook profile.
15. This document will be revered by people of your nation for generations! Feel free to use this as an opportunity to clear up certain issues. For example, creationism is bogus, Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK, Picard was better than Kirk and any man who drinks a Fuzzy Navel should lose his voting privileges.
16. If pro is the opposite of con, then progress is the opposite of congress. By this logic, your constitution is the opposite of prostitution. Sweet!
17. If you must assign a national language, have some fun with it! For example, pick a language that nobody speaks and buy stock in language learning companies.
18. Nothing says, "I'm a complete professional," like making yourself commander-in-chief and awarding yourself excessive amounts of decorations and medals.
19. Unlike the United States, don't put your capital in the middle of an enormous swamp. San Diego would've been just fine.
20. Break out your old high school yearbook. Remember all those jerks who made fun of you? Well, look at you now. You're writing a constitution. Maybe they can be imprisoned somehow.
Dave Adams is a freshman majoring in political science and economics. He can be reached at David.Adams@tufts.edu.
