With college coming to a close, graduating seniors can look forward to more independence, the start of a new career, their own income and... calls to Mom and Dad?
Despite the conventional image of the college years as a time of rebellion and breaking away from home, many students maintain close contact with their families, and some even find that relationships with parents improve.
"I have a much better relationship with [my parents] since I've been in college, probably because I don't see them," senior Matt Alander said. "We argue less and fight less since we're not in the same house."
Junior Elyse Tyson, who visits home often because her parents live near Boston, said that she enjoys spending time with her family more now that she doesn't live at home.
"I think it's gotten a lot better," she said. "The space helps a lot. I guess they're more useful to me now, because it's not the caregiver relationship; we're more friends and we can talk about more mutual interests."
Professor of Child Development Fred Rothbaum said that although relationships between parents and college students vary greatly, he has had many students describe similar evolutions.
"I do find that it's pretty common for Tufts students to, over the course of the four years, work out a relationship with their parents that feels a lot more comfortable to them," he said. "I don't talk to the parents, so I don't know if they feel that way, but I would guess by the virtue that relationships are mutual that the other side is finding it working better."
Because the role of the parent becomes less concrete once children leave the house, finding the right balance of communication can be challenging.
"I think it's a difficult transition more often than not for both, in different ways. For the parent it feels more like a loss; for students, they're much more aware of the freedom than the loss, most of them," Rothbaum said. "There's a period when there is this distance and then there is a coming together."
Senior Drew Curhan said that during his freshman year, he wanted to be on his own, and he had limited communication with his parents. During his four years at Tufts, however, he increased contact with his family, going from phone conversations a few times a month to three times per week.
"[My parents] told me that I was bad at keeping in touch, which is something I've always been bad at from far away, but understanding where they were coming from, I didn't really keep in contact that first year and it was kind of mean. I realized I should keep in better contact," Curhan said. "I realized they are older than me, they can help me out with things, they have more experience, and it makes them feel better."
Lecturer of Child Development Martha Pott is currently working on a book about parent-child relationships during the college years - a time that is increasingly referred to as "emerging adulthood."
Pott explained that various communities see the role of families differently - and this can impact the relationship that parents maintain with their children.
"The goal of raising children, all over the world, is to make them competent and functional and self-reliant," she said. "In some communities, particularly in Europe and the United States, we have the idea that a child needs to have a distinct and unique identity and a clear sense of self apart from the family. The goal is really growing away from the family."
That sentiment is often reinforced by messages in the media and popular culture.
"Almost all books for parents of college-age students have titles like 'Letting Go,' 'You're On Your Own,' or 'The Launching Years.' Launching implies a slingshot where you pull back and fling your child off into universe and hope they're ready to go," Pott said.
But as Pott explained, this type of sentiment can cause confusion for the next step in the parent-child relationship.
"When kids do grow up, parents know that [the kids are] supposed to get launched. Parents sometimes try to turn the relationship into a friendship, but that doesn't always work because kids have their friends and there is a difference," Pott said. "One of the goals of my book is to help parents realize how to craft a new type of relationship."
Freshman Caitlin Kauffman pointed out that children leaving for college can also be a new phase for parents.
"I have a younger sister who is a senior in high school, so next year my parents will be empty-nesters. It made them realize it's a new part of their lives too. I think they're excited to do what they want, but they're also excited to see what we're going to do, but not have to be in it all the time," she said.
New technology, like cell phones and e-mail, have made long-distance communication between parents and students much easier in recent decades.
"There's a lot of communication that's really casual; you're in a store and wondering if you should get something or really simple matter-of-fact things. There's much more day-to-day communication," Pott said.
"I'm really close to my parents, so I talk to them three times a day usually," freshman Neha Wadekar said. "I'll call to check in when I'm walking somewhere. When it's important, I usually e-mail them so we can remember it."
Rothbaum said that these means of communication are valuable.
"I think it's very important for everybody, for the kids and for the parents," he said. "It fills such a need that the human being has for connection with someone who truly cares about you. You don't get too many people in your life that you're as connected to."
Although students tend to become more autonomous from their parents during college, Rothbaum said that after graduation, a role reversal often occurs.
"The challenges are more for the kids than for the parents," he said. "The parents have now had four years of experience. By [graduation], I think because the student is losing this tremendous amount of support, such as school, friends and activities, and they don't have all these things that were kind of surrogate parents, they often need their parents more."
Just like leaving home, leaving college is another transition that will inevitably change relationships.
"At every juncture comes a new renegotiating of the parent-child relationship," Pott said. "There is a new realization on the part of the parents and new maturity for the students. Things are not the same, but there's a new joy in it, I think."
