H1N1. No, we're not calling out bingo numbers. Bingo isn't actually spelled with an "H," so your assumption that we were calling out bingo numbers was entirely unfounded. What we are naming is the illest illness this side of the Mississippi: swine flu. The Swine has killed hundreds, but, more importantly, it almost threatened to possibly cancel our Fall Ball, kind of. We think that swine flu has been blown a little bit out of proportion and, for those students out there who are experiencing "flu-like symptoms," we have a little pick-me-up for you.
Of late, Hollywood has become saturated with films centered on frightening epidemics that make swine flu seem like a measly paper cut. Diseases are a clichéd way of creating those apocalyptic scenarios that Hollywood execs dream about. Even the anti-climactic, yet unique, demise of the aliens in "War of the Worlds" (2005) has an illness to blame. Those aliens were served with the extraterrestrial equivalent of Montezuma's Revenge. (Note to selves: When in doubt, go for poop jokes.)
There are several stages of disease. The first is inception. Unlike most real diseases, which come from Courtney Love's navel, diseases in movies are usually the result of scientific hubris or human error. In "I Am Legend" (2007), Will Smith's genetic research goes awry. His lofty goal of curing cancer creates a crippling disease with symptoms including vampirism and crappy CGI. In "28 Days Later" (2002), doctors test a rage-inducing virus on animals in hopes of eliminating violence: think the Ludovico technique from "A Clockwork Orange" (1971), except with the monkey from "Dustin Checks In" (1996). Pandora's box is unwittingly unlocked by a group of pesky PETA members. All this artistic justice can get a little nauseating at times.
The next phase, infection, is the most underutilized in films. So often, these movies open in medias res — after the sickness has already spread — leaving us with a film about the lucky few survivors. We want to see more buildup. Zack Snyder's remake of "Dawn of the Dead" (2004) prefaced his gory story with opening credits that spliced together faux-news footage of the global infection and set the unsettling sequence to Johnny Cash. Much like Mr. Snyder's "Watchmen" (2009), the opening credits outshone the rest of the film. We're not criticizing all films that exclude the spread of viruses, but this is one plot hole that we'd like to see filled.
Besides the normal, "I'm-infected-and-now-I-want-to-saunter-around-and-gnaw-on-human-brains-while-groaning-monotonically" shtick, there are many unique disease ideas, but many are squandered by poor filmmaking. Consider a chemical in the air that makes people commit suicide. Sounds interesting, right? We decided to give M. Night Shyamalan another chance by seeing "The Happening" (2008), though his previous two movies were utter fiascos. What we got was an hour and a half of excruciating boredom, aside from one unintentionally funny scene in which people surrender themselves to a moving lawnmower.
"Blindness" (2008) depicted a society in which everyone, besides Julianne Moore, loses his or her vision. Ironically enough, the movie gave us a strong urge to gouge our eyes out, Oedipus-style. We were originally intrigued, but ultimately repelled by the pretentiousness that muddled the film's plot.
So next time Tufts Health Service emails you about the number of cases of swine flu, just remember how much worse it could be. You may have the sniffles and a fever, but at least you're not a flesh-eating zombie. Truth be told, we have never actually heard the living dead complain about their condition. We bet zombies have it pretty good. Sorry, swine flu kids. That's what you get for chowing down on Carmichael's sausage.
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Zach Drucker and Chris Poldoian are sophomores who have not yet declared majors. They can be reached at zachary.drucker@tufts.edu and christopher.poldoian@tufts.edu, respectively.
