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This week it's one of the most famous Bible stories: Lot's daughters get Lot drunk, have sex with him and bear his children. Sorry, not that one (but that one is 100 percent in there - it's Genesis 19:30). I meant David and Goliath from the Book of Samuel. Here's how it goes down. Goliath is a Philistine who can't be defeated. He says to the Israelites that if one of them kills him, the Philistines will become their subjects and vice versa. David, who's delivering cheese and bread to the Israelites, asks, "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?" Like I've said: it's always about foreskin. The Israelites tell David that for anyone who kills Goliath, the king will give his daughter's hand in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes. David responds, "Wait, did you say tax-exemption?" They say, "Well, yes, David, but marriage as well." David says, "Nah, I'm in it for the taxes."
So David puts on armor in preparation for battle but doesn't like it, so he decides to go without it. That's a gutsy call. After all, Goliath is wearing 125 pounds of bronze. Also, he's nine feet nine inches tall - and that's without heels on. Then David grabs "five smooth stones from the stream," and with his sling in hand he's ready for battle. Goliath, however, goes the more traditional route with a "spear shaft" that's like a "weaver's rod."
Am I the only one picking up on sexual undertones here?
Anyway, when Goliath sees David, he asks, "Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?" David responds, "Yes, because you're uncircumcised." Goliath says, "Good one, David, but do you think it has health benefits?" They discuss it for a while, the Philistines and the Israelites make their cases, they agree to disagree and get back to the matter at hand.
David slings a stone into Goliath's forehead, and he falls facedown onto the ground. Then he takes Goliath's sword, kills him and cuts off his head. The Philistines run away and David carries Goliath's head on a sword all the way to Jerusalem. And that's why the Tufts Handbook bans slingshots.
So, what's the real connection to Tufts? Tufts Football, the classic underdog. But who's Goliath? Any college, high school or middle school football team anywhere. The first thing Tufts needs to do to win a game is to get rid of the equipment. David didn't have any armor. Neither should they. Actually, that's incredibly dangerous. They should keep their equipment on, but play as if they're not wearing it?
Alright, it's the last game of the season, there's one minute left and Tufts is down by two (side note: how does Tufts recruit players? "Come play for us, we haven't won a single game in three years). Let's take it back to David. How did he defeat Goliath? With a little help from the man upstairs. The problem is I don't think He's enough. They're going to need something more reliable. This is what they should do: get Tufts lacrosse players and secretly switch them in. Then they win the game, wisely choose not to behead the other team, and Tufts ends its 30-game losing streak.
Next week, I'll be discussing the ramifications of cultural appropriation.
Ben Zuckert is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at Ben.Zuckert@tufts.edu.
