CleverDog

If you’ve ever read "S&S" before, you’ll know that I am of course an eternal optimist, and that this column has always been a ray of unadulterated positivity brightening up your otherwise dreary Monday morning. Maybe you’ve even marveled at my endearing tendency to think the best of people, or perhaps you’ve chuckled at my dogged determination to make this world a better place. (If so, you’ve grossly misunderstood the entire point of this column, and I suggest you drink another cup of coffee before proceeding, as otherwise you may continue to miss The Entire Point.) Quite honestly, I would love to begin everyone’s Monday with a glowing review of a new Hodgdon burrito or a warm-and-fuzzy anecdote about the innate goodness of Tufts students. But, alas, that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards, and today, I have a topic so red-hot spicy that you’ll be lucky the steam coming out of your ears doesn’t set off the three nearest fire alarms, as well as half of Latin Way’s.

Now that we’ve weeded out the casual skimmers and the kind-hearted people looking to pick up some training tricks for their new puppy, it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty.

To explain -- I live in an off-campus house, and since the notoriously unreliable Tufts wireless doesn’t really extend that far, my house pays for its own WiFi. This is the norm on our street, so if you open your laptop more than ten different possible networks will pop up and you’ll have to select your own. And even though I’ve set my own as the default dozens of times, my computer loves to jump on my neighbor’s guest network, CleverDog_Guest. When this happens, my computer will load everything extremely slowly or just randomly close the internet sites I’m using. But it’s not just when I open my computer for the first time; sometimes I’ll happily be coasting along on my own reliable WiFi, and then suddenly I’ve added thirteen green peppers to my Instacart shopping cart because I’ve had to refresh the damn page over and over -- CleverDog will somehow sneak onto my laptop and ruin everything. And for whatever reason, CleverDog seems to have singled me out to plague; no one else has this problem, but my housemates can attest to frequently hearing “EFF YOU, CLEVER DOG!” as I discover, yet again, the reason my computer is loading so glacially.

And, unfortunately, CleverDog WiFi is, indeed, named after my neighbor’s dog. I have never seen said dog, but I picture it as one of those supremely ugly, furless creatures. I also really hope CleverDog has a real name as well, because from the sounds of my lovely neighbor screaming at it 24/7, the dog is anything but intelligent. CleverDog is also a huge fan of incessantly yapping in the early hours of the morning, and often employs intimidation tactics by fixing casual passersby with a beady-eyed stare from hell. For my part, I often lay in bed at night fantasizing about innovative ways to dismember and kill the little devil (I'm always taking suggestions!).

Since my hatred is rarely so concentrated, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover CleverDog keeled over in the driveway, struck down by the pure force of my abhorrence. Of course, I’m no superhuman, and do not (yet) wield the power to smite those I dislike (if I did, the world would be a much less populated place). So for now I must endure, but if anyone’s asking, I know nothing about the tiny grave on Prez lawn. See you next week!