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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Tuesday, March 5, 2024

The Art of Good Soup: A STEWpid debate


Listen up, nerds. This is serious business … we need ANSWERS. 

Have you ever found yourself, finger up your nose, one foot in a cranberry bog, the other in your friend’s mouth, wondering WHAT on Earth is the difference between a soup and a stew? Where do we draw the line, goddammit?!

This has been eating us alive, ever since 20 minutes ago. Here’s where we stand: We have decided to break this problem down based on a series of parameters. 

  1. Viscosity (is it goopy???) 
  2. Chewability (can I monch? Or simply gulp?) 
  3. Slurpability (noods? Or nah?)
  4. Utensiality (can it spoon? Or is it lookin’ for a fork?) 

Given these variables, here is our in-depth analysis of several landmark cases. Case one: chicken noodle, a classic. On viscosity, she gets a 1. It’s not giving goop. It’s liquid before you even lay your lips on it. On chewability, she’s a 4. Chonks are variable in any chicken noodle soup, but a hallmark of any concoction is the presence of chewables. There’s nothing fun about liquid without any chunks to play with. Slurpability? We say 7. And on the important topic of utensiality, it can in fact spoon. 

Our second item of consideration, ratatouille. As Remy once asked, “How we goopin?” After careful cross reference with a pivotal film and a cursory scan of, we have ruled the following…

On the topic of viscosity, that girl goopy as heck; we give her an 8 (because some juices can slip through the cracks). For chewability, she gets a 5; though she does have chunks, they are too soft for the big leagues (like, a newborn could gnaw them with its little gums or whatever and be just fine). 

For slurpability, we give Miss Rat A. Touille a 2. Thick lips and a big gullet are required for any attempt at a true slurp. Finally, it is our professionally amateur opinion that miss girl is lookin’ for a fork, not a spoon. 

Now that we’ve given some examples of our criteria at work, you’re ready for the boss level. Here is the case study to decide once and for all, what is soup and what is stew? We bring to the stand: chili. 

BRRRRing your thinking cap, ladies and anyone bored enough to read this. It’s time to get down and dirty…

First up, we have our #goopcheck. GOOP ALERT!!!! This girly is gooped up in all the right places. Solid 7.34. That said, any good meal needs some body to it… this is still anyone’s game. 

Next up, chewability. The thing is guys, she’s like chonky af. Shawty got them apple bottom beans, goops with the stir. We give her an 8. Looks like we have a critical tipping point in favor of stew. 

Is she slurpable? Nah. Too much meat in the way. 3.

And finally, the deciding factor: What’s the best way to eat her up? 

Sources (Reddit), say spoon. That’s a tie. Some questions refuse answers. That’s life baby. Mwah.