Good morrow, losers old and new. This is a little fireside chat, if you will. But instead of fire (like the literal kind … like FDR during the Great Depression core), we have fire roasted tomato soup (what they fed people during the Great Depression). We have that on absolutely no good authority … don’t fact check us.
Anywho, sit down and stay awhile. We’re gonna have a little chat [insert loud burp … like so robust that the house shakes].
With the holidays fast approaching, it’s cupping season, you sloups. And here’s the thing: We know all you slurped up, spoonfeeding, good for nothing animals need our help and totally valid and not at all made up on the spot guidance.
Your wish is our command, babes. Here’s the tea.
There are two ways you can approach this. One, you can hold out hope for a hometown dish. That piping hot bowl of broth you dream about. Not because you love it, but because you can’t have it. A quaint fantasy while you lay alone in your twin XL bed, with nobody to warm you while your mouth froths. The only thing to tide you over is a hope, and maybe the promise of some noods (as a side dish to the main course, that is).
Now, we know this seems tempting. Distance can really make you long for a taste of something from home. It gets really hard, we know.
While we let that simmer, we’ll talk about option two. That is, grab your half-baked situationship by the hand and make them your soupmate once and for all. That’s right, the days of sampling are over. The rats aren’t going to like this announcement, but the rats don’t run this city, we do. That’s right, we were quite literally gifted the key to the city last weekend. It’s really big and hard and we need two hands just to hold it, but the mayor said he really liked how it looked when we held it firmly by the shaft. We told him the pleasure was ours (very Chick-fil-Aean of us).
You may be asking yourself, how did Cole and Ellie get in touch with the mayor?! Well you guys, he’s like a total freak, for soup. He has some really peculiar tastes, which is why he just gobbled us up.
But let’s get back to our primary concern: You dipping your tongue in some different textures whilst trying to figure out what dish feels the best going down. It could be piping hot, full of different things to suck on or chew.
At the end of the day it’s really up to you. Do you want to be a lame loser or a corporate sellout? Personally, we’re very content with each other at the moment so all we have to do is judge you. Oh and also, we have to fess up. We never actually met the mayor you guys. Does this place even have a mayor?
Who are you????