News
August 31
First he broke up with longtime (and highly popular) partner Bill MacNeil. Next he admitted to not having voted since the 1960s. Now comes another shocker from Jim Lehrer, the host of PBS' Newshour and the moderator for all three of this year's Presidential debates. Lehrer was "totally soused" during all three debates. The admission has embarrassed the bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates, and sent shockwaves through the throngs of undecided voters. "I am still unsure how this will affect my vote exactly," one undecided voter said. Lehrer copped to his drunkenness after a reporter asked him about what he was thinking during the debate, and why he didn't stop Al Gore from breaking the rules in the third and final debate this past Tuesday. "I didn't even notice that the candidates were breaking the rules. I was toasted, dude. Totally soused. You know what I was thinking about? What if people stopped cutting off the umbilical cords of newborns, and the babies grew up with them as an organic ornament? It could be like the fad a few years ago when people kept the tags on their baseball caps. That is what I was thinking," he said.Lehrer told the Daily that before each debate he was locked in a hotel suite with the briefcase full of questions. Each time, he said, "I tore into the hotel mini-bar like George W. Bush into a gram of cocaine." Friends of Lehrer are not at all surprised at his behavior, as ever since the departure of MacNeill from The Newshour, he has been in the grips of a volatile emotional roller coaster."He hasn't been the same since MacNeil left him. He keeps talking about him like he is still on the program, and occasionally he tries cutting to him, and the other commentators have to save the show. One recent night he said, 'And now for an in depth look at the Middle Eastern crisis here is my partner Bill MacNeil.' We shouted to him in his earpiece that MacNeil is not on the show anymore, and he goes, 'Where the hell did he go? Why did you leave me Billy? All alone to do the news by myself. I thought you loved me!' This guy is totally off his rocker," a producer for the show said.Lehrer himself has admitted to missing MacNeil, saying, "It is hard for me to moderate a debate knowing he isn't in the audience or sitting next to me. During the last debate I kept thinking, what would B think of this? That is the way it was with us, B and J forever. It is carved into a desk on the PBS set. Whenever a candidate would crack a joke I thought of B. I bet he would have laughed and laughed, that sweet, cute, and innocent laugh of his, capped with a little snort. Always with the little snort. Oh how he used to snort. What a chortle he had," he said. Looking back on the three debates it becomes obvious that Lehrer was not all there.He raised eyebrows during the first debate with his off-color introduction of the candidates: "This debate is brought to you by the Bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates, and by Peach Schnapps, the most fantabulistic alcoholic beverage." The odd moment was smoothed over when both candidates said, "I agree with that Jim," and Gore interrupted Lehrer's first question to say, "This is an important difference between us Jim, I agree with you more than my opponent."During the second debate Lehrer was caught on the C-Span debate pre-game show leaning over to George W. Bush and saying, "I love you man. I mean it, I really, really love you. What do ya say you ditch the old ball and chain and come party with me back at the hotel?" Once the network cameras started rolling Lehrer seemed more normal, although the candidates were so weirded out by the earlier incident that they were afraid to say anything controversial that could incur a follow up question from the moderator.Finally, during the third debate, Lehrer had an incident with his specially-crafted swivel desk chair. Producers of the debate contemplated cutting to a commercial when Lehrer began twirling himself around in the chair. "Wee, look at me. I'm moderating a debate. Holy Shiite Muslim. Spinning around, spinning around, spin, spin, spin, spinning around! Look you stupid indecisive people, I am spinning around. I wanted to spin around so now I am spinning, no deliberating for a year, just spinning. Uh oh, I think I am going to be sick," Lehrer said before vomiting on the floor next to the Vice President, thereby forcing Gore to stand close to Governor Bush for most of the debate. Luckily there were only three people watching the debate at that moment, since everyone else in America had turned channels to check the score of the baseball game on NBC, and then forgot what they were watching before they had changed the channel. The remaining viewer was treated to Lehrer's scolding of a female questioner. He interrupted her on the basis of her physical appearance, and proceeded to ask his own question: "Shut the hell up you hag. (Turning to the camera) To the viewers at home, I would like to apologize for allowing such a hideous looking woman to appear on your television screens. It was unintentional and will never happen again. In place of her ugly question, I will now ask my own. Vice President Gore, how hot are your daughters, and how do they compare to Governor Bush's twins?" he said.Lehrer's misbehavior raises the prospect of three more "do-over" debates. A spokesperson for Vice President Gore said his candidate would take part in all such events. "The Vice President will debate anytime, anywhere, he will not sit in his lockbox," he said. Governor Bush's spokesperson had a more nuanced answer: "If he is not for the debates, then he is against them. If he is for them, then he may not be hesitant to be against or for them. This is just another example of partisan politics and Gore's Washington-centric campaign. George W. Bush will not stand for such fuzzy math, a thousand points of light, stay the course," she said.In an effort to get more viewership for the new series of debates, the campaigns have agreed to a mystery moderator, chosen from the vast pool of rejected applicants for Real World/Road Rules and Survivor/Big Brother. "This should be great, I love Rudy," George W. Bush said. The Daily tried calling other US and world leaders to get their opinions on 'debategate,' but all we got was voice mailboxes. Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell, who will be speaking at Tufts next month, had this to say on his voice mail: "I'm gonna be Secretary of State. Hey hey, ho ho, leave a message for I got to go...." Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Richard B. Cheney's voice mail said, "I am not here to take your message because I picked myself to be vice president." Finally we tried the President of the Commission on Presidential Debates, whose voice mail said, "This is not the Commission on Presidential Debates Mr. Nader. You have the wrong number."