Sara Franklin | Oh My!: Sex Straight-Up
October 10Sex toys. Those two small words tend to scare most people to death. Images of Christopher Street in Greenwich Village flash before their eyes, windows filled with leather-clad mannequins gripping whips and sporting collars. Well, let me tell you, this is far from the image that the majority of sex toy users project. Let's just throw some words out there to get started. Vibrator. Dildo. Butt plug. Cock ring. Strap on. The list goes on and on. Why do these things intimidate some people so much? My theory is that sex is scary enough for most people. We seem to have this concept of "vanilla" sex, where the only way to experience orgasm is with another person, of the opposite sex, in only a couple of relatively "traditional" positions. But this is just not the case - people have all kinds of sex. They have sex with men, women and transsexuals (sometimes more than one at the same time). They also have orgasms alone. Yes, I'm talking about masturbation. And yes, women do it too. In fact, I recently read an article that said that 80 percent of women have masturbated at some point in their life. So coming back to toys - why bring in a foreign object that might make you seem peculiar, or may even suggest that you feel that you can't please, or can't be pleased by, your partner with only their natural assets? Here's why: because sex toys are FABULOUS. They enhance the things that we already feel during sex, and, in many cases, introduce new sensations that just can't be created by intercourse or foreplay alone. Let's start from the beginning. You decide you just might want to try a sex toy (either alone or with a partner or two, or three, or...). Where do you go? My personal favorite is Grand Opening, a little sex shop in Brookline that has all their toys out on display so you can feel them, see how they work, and know what you're getting yourself into. Their staff is incredibly helpful and so calm and collected about their business that you'll feel as if you're talking to a salesman about a new cell phone (although I'm pretty sure if you get anything that vibrates at Grand Opening, it's going to be a whole lot stronger than any Motorola). So you make your purchase after an incredibly educational stint in the store. You're feeling a little bit naughty at this point, and quite excited to get it home. Now what? Where can you use this sex toy? If you're planning on using it alone, I suggest knowing your roommate's schedule so that you can plan for a nice block of time to get acquainted with your new friend. Or, if you've purchased a waterproof mechanism, wrap yourself in a towel, put up an away message saying you're taking a nice long hot shower, and go get started. One suggestion - don't try it when the roommate is in. If something goes wrong and you get startled, or if your toy has a vibrating mechanism that makes a purring noise that's louder than you expected, you might be in for a rather unpleasant confrontation. But using a toy alone is the easier part. Sure, you have to get over the initial "gross out" factor for yourself (although I still don't get it, there's nothing wrong with having a battery powered device do the work for you... this can work for both guys and girls). But bringing a toy into a situation where a partner is present means that you have to ask them, which can be even scarier (been there, done that). Here are a few suggestions for how to broach the subject. If you want to take the mysterious route, start making jokes that hint toward having a toy. Chances are pretty good that your partner will catch on and just flat out ask you. If they do, great, you're in, and I'm pretty sure they'll be happy once they're opened up. But what if it's a new partner, someone who you're not so comfortable with yet? You have two choices. You can wait until things are hot and heavy and then bring it up, or you can do it while your clothes are on and your hormone levels are normal. If you decide to do it in the heat of the moment, my method has always been to wait until things get underway (you're well into foreplay), then, in your sultriest voice, whisper something like, "I've got something I think you'd really like in my drawer. Do you mind?" or "Would it turn you on if you could watch me with a toy?" It's really important to make the other person a part of the decision, so make sure they're involved in the questions. Focus on their pleasure, what they're going to get out of it. It will make it a lot less intimidating. If you want to have the conversation at a less crucial time (which assumes that this is something you've been involved with at least once before), I would try something like, "The other night was really great. I have something that might make it even better for next time though." Now, these approaches are all somewhat coded. If you're brave, you can always try the more direct route. Bring up how much fun you have when you get physically involved with each other, and then simply say something about how you would really like to see what things you can come up with if you bring a toy into the picture. Although there might be a slightly awkward moment at first, my guess is your partner (unless they're hoping to have "vanilla" sex forever) will be pretty psyched that you had the guts to bring it up. Let's face it: we all love orgasms (that includes those people who don't feel ready, don't want to, or can't have sex with a partner). We all want to experience as much sexual pleasure as we can. And we certainly don't want to get bored with life. Think of sex like food (hey, they are the two greatest pleasures in life). If you only ate peanut butter and jelly for the rest of your life, wouldn't you get bored? Yeah, I thought so. So free your mind, take a chance, and see what toys can do for you. For me and everyone I know who has taken the plunge, discovering toys has been enlightening and has been oh... oh... ooooooooooooooooooohhhh... so gratifying.

