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TV Review | 'Life' is like a box of rotten chocolates

March 29

"Dude, you're staring at the fries again." Any show that debuts with a line like that is just asking to be axed. "Life on a Stick," the latest show to prove that FOX should stick to "The O.C." and "American Idol," is quite possibly the worst thing to happen to the American sitcom since "Joanie Loves Chachi." In a reality TV-dominated era, the best sitcoms can aspire to be is a mediocre regurgitation of a better show from a previous decade, but "Life on a Stick" is ironically so bad in its originality that it makes even the poorest knockoff look good by comparison. Despite its relatively tame premise revolving around a directionless teenager (Laz, played by hopeless newcomer Zachary Knighton) working at a dead-end fast-food job, "Life's" creative team seems bent on finding new and interesting ways to botch up the already floundering sitcom genre. Start with the writing. After that brilliant one-liner to open the pilot episode, the two main characters, Laz and his equally directionless and even more comatose best friend Fred (Charlie Finn) talk for two full minutes about the plight of potatoes condemned to the fryer. Strange, yes, but not nearly as odd as their humorless exchange later in the episode about the various levels at which one must knock on a door for it to be heard properly by the occupants inside. That doesn't even sound interesting, let alone comedic, yet some genius over at FOX somehow thought it would leave viewers rolling in the aisles. On the contrary, these drawn-out set-ups that lack punch lines will frustrate anyone with half a brain and ultimately leave audiences wondering whether the main characters have ADD or are just perpetually stoned. But even if one can overlook the poor writing on the basis that humor is a tricky thing to achieve, the bizarre characterization of Laz's artificially atypical suburban family is inexcusable. Laz's parents, Rick and Michelle, following the recent trend of pairing a sloppy, out-of-shape man with a Playboy bunny look-alike, take the fine art of child rearing to a disturbing new level unattained by other sitcoms. Vacillating between hapless and horny, Rick (Matthew Glave) and Michelle (Amy Yasbeck) scamper around the set like a couple of twitchy mimes on crack, cowering from their moody teenage daughter, fawning over their cherished youngest son, and sneaking off to the garage to get frisky when they think their kids aren't watching. Shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Still Standing" have effectively proven that inept parents can be funny, but "Life's" progenitors are so awkward that they're more disconcerting than comical. And then there is the very amateur attempt at "random" humor that is better left to the realm of J.D.'s daydreams on the more polished "Scrubs." Out-of-the-blue can be hilarious when done correctly, but if the joke is too far out in left field, it just blindsides viewers and leaves them confused and alienated. Such was the case with "Life's" pilot episode, where Laz sees the 1960 epic, "Spartacus," and then spends the rest of the show trying to organize the employees of Yippee Hot Dogs to revolt against their oppressive boss, Mr. Hut (Maz Jobrani). This is apparently relatable to the way that Kirk Douglas leads a band of slaves to buck the yoke of Roman oppression. Somehow, it seems unlikely that an 18-year-old deadbeat who works in a fast food joint would know much about classic film or the finer points of Ancient Roman history. As a result, the "randomness" is forced, and the backbone of the whole episode collapses. If "Life on a Stick" wants to have any hope of redeeming itself in the future, it will remember to leave the quirky '60s film references to Lorelai Gilmore and stick to more universally appealing material. One bright spot in the show is Molly (Saige Thompson), Laz's 16-year-old half-sister and the only cast member with a decent sense of comedic acting. Her character as the angsty teen girl is pretty clich?©, but her fast-paced wit, biting sarcasm and deadpan delivery are a welcome contrast to her brother's plodding jokes and inane commentary on French fries. If credit is to be given where credit is due, one can freely give kudos to "Life on a Stick" for taking audiences outside the box of the typical family sitcom. It's just a shame that everything they did makes the audience want to crawl back in.

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News

DTD undergoes inquiry after pledge hospitalized

March 29

The Dean of Students Office is currently investigating the fraternity Delta Tau Delta (DTD) after one of its student pledges stopped breathing and was hospitalized during a pledge event on Feb. 25. DTD President junior Noah Ornstein confirmed that the Dean of Students was investigating the fraternity. The fraternity has lost its chapter recognition from DTD International while the investigation at Tufts is ongoing. DTD is currently finishing up a year on probation for a rush violation last spring. The pledge who was hospitalized, freshman Ian McPherran, declined to comment for the article. The Dean of Students office did not confirm or deny that DTD has been under investigation, and Dean of Students Bruce Reitman did not return calls made yesterday about the matter. McPherran was taking medication for pneumonia while attending a DTD pledge event late in February. After drinking and walking around outside, McPherran said he felt unwell and lay down on a couch in another room in the fraternity. When found unconscious by members of DTD, he stopped breathing for a short period of time. He was taken to the hospital after he stopped breathing again after a brother attempted CPR. Ornstein said that he was not in town when the incident took place and could not comment on any specifics. "It was an unfortunate incident for him and for us," Ornstein said. "He's doing better and we are working to resolve it with him and the administration as expeditiously as possible." DTD International said that it is aware of allegations toward the Tufts DTD chapter, which could constitute a violation of its Member Responsibility Guidelines. DTD's Arch Chapter, the fraternity's governing board, suspended the charter of the Tufts chapter, pending the outcome of an ongoing investigation. DTD International said it is cooperating with Tufts and that it will have no further comment until the investigation is complete. DTD brothers contacted for interviews declined to comment. This is the second pledge incident investigated by the Dean of Students Office in two years. Zeta Psi was placed on two years of social probation after it was found to have served alcohol to minors as a part of pledging. Two of its pledges were taken to the hospital in Feb. 2003, one of whom was in critical condition. The fraternity was later closed to all residents due to other alcohol violations.

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News

Balance | From cabbage to cassava: Boston's Haymarket

March 29

At six a.m. on a slushy winter Friday, most of Government Center is lifeless. The normal daytime hustle and bustle of Faneuil Hall, Quincy Market and the North End are alarmingly absent. Amid the chill and gloom, though, is a beacon of light and activity. At the Haymarket on Blackstone Street, the day's business is just beginning to unfold. Trucks arrive and men dressed in winter clothes jump out armed with boxes of bright produce. On the ground, the stalls come together, each vendor piling his wares in neat pyramids. Others shovel snow and ice, sprinkling rock salt as they go, clearing a path for the customers who will soon fill the market. Light cascades down from the lanterns hung inside the stalls, and space heaters crank out pools of warmth. The vendors are jovial, joking and laughing as if they have already been awake for hours, which no doubt many of them have. These vendors perpetuate a long Boston tradition. They search the Chelsea Produce Terminal all week for the best deals they can find so that come week's end they can sell their customers fresh produce at the lowest prices possible. The Haymarket, open every Friday and Saturday from dawn to dusk, has provided Bostonians with fresh, cheap fruits, vegetables and fish for over 100 years. The Haymarket is a perfect place to stock up on nutritious fruits and vegetables, especially in winter and spring when farmer's markets are closed. With the release of the new Dietary Guidelines for Americans advising 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, many complain that produce is too expensive. Not so at Haymarket, making it an attractive option for college students on a budget. Where else can you get 5 mangoes for $2 or a bag of 10 red bell peppers for $1? Baskets of strawberries that would cost $4-5 at the supermarket go for $2 at Haymarket. Friedman School of Nutrition professor and Dean of Students Dr. Lynne Ausman remembers when she and a colleague made weekly trips to the Haymarket to capitalize on the best last minute deals on Saturday evenings. "At that point, the vendors would be anxious to get rid of their excess tomatoes, corn, cherries and so forth. once a season we would purchase 60-80 lbs of tomatoes, bring them to one house or the other, then chop, cook, season and can them," she said. "On other occasions, we would do the same with tens of pounds of cherries." Catering to Boston's ever-diversifying population, the Haymarket features hundreds of different fruits and vegetables. Joey Onessimo has been selling at the Haymarket since 1949, when he was a teenager helping his older brother run the stall. He's watched first hand how the mix of produce has changed throughout his lifetime. "In 1949 it was all carrots and cabbage and apples and oranges," he said. "Now we got mangoes and cassavas and sugarcane and boniato." Boniato? It's a Caribbean root vegetable somewhat like a sweet potato, high in vitamins A and C. Part of the job at the Haymarket is keeping abreast of new trends in the produce world. Customers demand a wide variety of fruits and vegetables these days, expecting mangoes in January and fresh salad greens all year round. Due to increased international trade and advances in agriculture, vendors like Onessimo are able to capitalize on this demand. Otto Gallotto, the current president of the Haymarket Association, points to another trend. Although Americans do most of their shopping at supermarkets, there has been a recent resurgence of interest in open-air markets. Gallotto hopes to harness this interest and translate it into a new customer base. He has begun work on a Web site, which he hopes will attract new people - Boston's burgeoning college student population in particular. Recent graduates, apartment dwelling co-eds and even cafeteria-bored dormitory residents may find Haymarket appealing because it is readily accessible by public transportation (Government Center stop on the Orange line), and cheaper than both grocery stores and farmer's markets. Although the quality might not compare to what you find at Boston's farmer's market in its August prime - Haymarket produce has generally traveled from very far away - it does have one advantage, according to Gallotto. "We're the only open-air produce market in the entire Northeast that stays open year round," he said before he rushed off to put the finishing touches on a mountain of sweet corn. "And the prices beat the supermarket any day."Molly Pindell is a graduate student in agriculture, food and the environment at the Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy. She has a BA in international studies from Colby College.

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News

Too much waiting

March 29

The confusing and frustrating housing lottery process is amplified for students who walk out of Cousens Gym without a definite room to live in for the next year. Seventy-seven freshmen males were placed on the waiting list for housing, a recurring and avoidable problem that the Office of Residential Life and Living (ORLL) must end. In 2002, nearly 20 freshmen women had the same trouble. If this is a continual problem, why hasn't the ORLL taken steps to avoid it? ORLL director Yolanda King told the Daily that she is making "every effort to avoid this problem next year." Will we hear the same in the future? Students are left on the waiting list for housing every year, and every year we are promised that these problems will be fixed in time for the next housing lottery. King has been ORLL Director for three years; she should have resolved this problem already. The needs of the current freshmen class must be a priority since they are required by University policy to live on campus next year. ORLL should know how many rooms are needed for the class of 2008, and how many of them are male or female - they know how many people they allocated rooms to this year. ORRL must ensure that there is a bed guaranteed for every freshman number distributed. The ORLL has been notoriously unorganized under King's tenure, and this gaffe at the housing lottery shows there are still problems which, despite similar problems in the past, need to be ironed out once again. Students on the waiting list in previous years had a difficult time obtaining information about their housing options from ORLL, and it was nearly impossible to contact King. Hopefully things are changing for the better now. Students this year have already been contacted about their housing options, according to King, and there is still time left for the 77 students on the waitlist to be given rooms before the semester ends. The past year has been a challenging one for ORLL. Last spring a number of long-term employees left at the time of the housing lottery, and some Resident Assistants were also vocal about their dissatisfaction with King. After a year to regroup, hopefully King and the ORLL will be able to resolve the current freshman housing crunch smoothly. If not, the University must examine why the ORLL has struggled with the same problems every year. Serious changes in the department may have to be made, but they would be necessary to ensure the smooth allocation of housing each year to students.

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News

Brett Weiner| Forced Perspective

March 29

I've started to think about my future. It's scary, because life after graduation seems like a big black hole filled with health insurance problems, rent and car payments. In order to find a way to generate the amount of disposable income necessary to make me attractive to everyone who advertises in "Maxim" and to fully stock an in-house bar (I know, I know - but I can dream can't I?), I've decided to create a business to exploit a niche in the market. After thinking about this for almost a full 30 seconds while watching "Iron Chef," I came up with the following: I, Brett Weiner, will be the headmaster and owner of the first and only Action Movie School! To give you an idea of the wondrous learning opportunities the Action Movie School! contains, here is an excerpt from the promotional brochure listing some of the available classes. ART 032: Reaching For Stuff In a room full of henchmen, which is quicker - reaching for the magnum holstered on the small of your back or using the knives hidden in your sleeves? Want to finally finish off the evil villain, but your gun dropped a coincidentally suspenseful few centimeters away? Need to hit a button to turn off a bomb? This class will teach you the fine art of reaching for stuff. Such stuff includes firearms, rapiers, levers, switches and women. Also covered: Waiting until exactly the last second to grab/defuse something useful/explosive, weapon holstering/placement and, essential for every modern hero, akimbo (dual wielding) techniques. BIO 088: How To Tell If Someone Is Dead Have you ever killed someone, only to have him return for a climatic battle sequence? This class is an in-depth study of the major indicators of death. Common "death myths" (i.e. falling off a cliff, being shot) are brought to light. Heartbeart, breathing, decomposition and shooting people in the head twice are discussed in detail. (NOTE: For those looking to determine how to kill robots, please see COMP SCI 056: Intro To Evil Sentient Machine Deactivation.) ENG 069: Pithy One-Liners This class will force you to memorize snappy comebacks, observations and non-sequiturs to infuriate villains and please women. Situations such as "hero captured by the villain but is still sarcastic" and "landing on a woman in a sexually suggestive way after an explosion/crash" will be dissected and analyzed. Case study in non-verbal delivery from "Die Hard:" "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." SOC 040: Supernaturals In a world where all monsters are now caused by viruses, heroes sometimes ruin the cinematic flow by spending too much time puzzling over what the monster is and not enough time kicking its ass. Techniques of monster identification in this course will help heroes decipher hard-to-figure-out clues such as why the monster doesn't appear in mirrors, has a hungering for human brains or is dressed like a mummy. PHYS ED 002: Training To Music (Crosslisted as MUSIC 077) Need to vastly improve your skill level in a short amount of time? This class allows you to strengthen muscles, become a sharpshooter, and/or learn the secrets of martial arts in a matter of minutes. Advanced techniques such as marketing the montage song as a single will be covered. PHYSICS 021: Slow Motion Explosions Basics of explosive forces are covered. Explosion time dilation theories and jumping using explosive propulsion are some of key concepts in the class. Recitation once a week will cover the high-yield explosives such as C-4, dynamite and car gas tanks. PREREQ: Physics 001: How Movie Weapons Work. ANTHRO 132: Dealing With Racial Stereotypes It's a requirement for all heroes who have a sidekick or girlfriend who is a different ethnicity than themselves. Class trips include meeting your sidekick's stereotypical family and going to an ethnic nightclub in ill-fitting stereotypical clothes. Includes martial arts lessons for those with Asian friends. Also covered: How to sing/rap ethnic music to win respect. BIO 123: Wound Treatment Stabbed in the gut? Put a bandage around it! Cut a finger? Put a bandage around it! Shot in the head? Put a bandage around it! Broken leg? Put a bandage around it and limp a little! Emotionally damaged? Put a bandage on it! Also covered: substituting strips of clothing for bandages. IR 054: Breaking International Law For The Greater Good Running down a dark alley at night, you realize the only thing more dangerous than the homicidal maniac that killed your brother is the stupid regulations that keep you from killing him. This class shows how to break the rules that keep fragile peace between hostile nations in order to satisfy your completely justified bloodlust, even if it leads to the deaths of a few faceless members of the FBI. Includes seminar with guest speaker Dr. Harry Callahan on how to acquire new weapons and authority once your gun and badge have been revoked. I am positive with these classes you will be on your way to action movie success. Just makes checks payable to Jorgen Husselforfen (it's my completely legal alias for tax purposes). Please, anytime now. Come on, people, I've got a bar to stock.Have the urge to crack a joke while tossing a henchman off a roof? Send e-mail to Brett.Weiner@tufts.edu.

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News

Tim Whelan | Some Kind of Wonderful

March 29

Before I get into anything heavier, I present these facts to you. In 2002, I told Maryland to win the whole thing, and follow my commands. They did. Fame and riches came my way. Now here we sit, in 2005, and I am once again on top of the bracket mountain. I am in two pools, and thanks to Louisville, and the survival of "sure things" UNC and Illinois, I am in first place in both of them. Interesting that this year's tourney began on St. Patrick's Day, and I'm Irish. Is that a stretch? Of course. So the only plausible answer is that I'm kind of legit, and reading my column is making you more enlightened and more likely to take home the winnings in your pools some day. On with the column. I know you may be tiring of Juice talk, but I cannot help but be eaten up inside by this steroid thing. It has been debated and dissected, but to be honest, not enough. The resources we can pull from this issue are far from exhausted, and I have the feeling name after name will keep coming out. Obviously, the big ones have already been thrown into the fire, but there are many more to come. The problem I have is this: too many people are brushing it aside, or not giving it the outrage it deserves. Especially around here. We cheered for cheaters. In 1998, I had no connection with Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa, other than that I was a baseball fan and they plied their trade on the biggest stage that their sport presents. But I was captivated by the whole production, and even at the time, when reports were released that McGwire was on Andro (since banned by Major League Baseball), I still thought nothing of it other than "there is going to be history made and I will be witness to it, so don't ruin it for us, MEDIA!" We were not Red Sox fans for those months or moments, but rather baseball fans, envious of what these men and their cities were reveling in. History in front of our very eyes, bash by invigorating bash. They were almost machine-like, and now we know there was a reason behind their robotic efficiency. And it all fits under the same umbrella, Red Sox fan or not. So why does it now feel like Boston, its fans, and the Red Sox themselves are looking down upon this issue like it's happening on a TV show, not to them, not to us, and not to our charmed city? We care about opening with the Yankees four days from now and how to talk trash to the Yankees fan who lives next door to us. Don't think for a second that the Red Sox and steroids are mutually exclusive - they're not. Euphoria is healthy, as long as we don't overdose on it. We have been on a five-month Caribbean cruise ever since the World Series, so I think it is time to come back to the reality of the situation. Yes, the Sox did the unthinkable and yes, we should not live down how titillating the whole experience has been. But baseball has a problem, and if we blindly follow a team and a rivalry when there are much greater issues at play, then we have become true "Homers." I think fans prefer the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to this whole thing. As long as there's baseball, and my team is taking the field, I don't care what's going in their bodies, as long as they're winning games. If a guy is producing and he is not an outright jerk, he will be embraced. Barry Bonds is an outright jerk, but his talent (albeit supplemented) transcends most criticism. Sammy Sosa had what is to him a down year in 2004 (.253, 35 HR, 80 RBI, 133 K) especially considering the other-worldly numbers he had put up in previous seasons (six straight forty home run years leading up to 2004). Maybe he was off the juice with the new, quasi-stringent policy. Or maybe he knew he couldn't put cork in his bat any more after the embarrassing incident in July 2003 when his split bat looked more like a bottle of champagne popping on New Years Eve? We just don't know. I am as confused by this as anyone, and maybe that is why people are not devoting themselves to outrage. There is too much gray area, too much unknown, and so being upset would be wasted energy - it might take too much work to figure out where the anger should be directed. Or maybe this news simply isn't new to anyone. Everyone knows steroids have been around college and professional sports in some capacity for decades now. We know about Lyle Alzado and now Jim Haslett, and I recently heard that the majority of a BC football team from as early as 1971 was juicing. Arnold Schwarzenegger even admitted to using them, and he said he would do it again. I guess you could say he founded his whole career on them, so maybe we can't blame him. So the best solution is to get lost in the Sox, as if they perform in a vacuum and none of the breaking news will impact them. But we should know better. After all, it was Sox utility infielder Manny Alexander who was caught with 'roids in his glove compartment in 2000, one of the first big leaguers to get busted publicly. I'm just saying...

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News

Portrait of the Artist| Melissa Marver

March 29

Junior Melissa Marver was born to Israeli dance - or maybe just to Israeli dancers. The singer/dancer's parents met at an Israeli folk dance workshop in 1977 and have continued to pursue the hobby that brought them together, a hobby that their daughter is eager to bring to Tufts. "I've been on this mission since I got to college to convince people that Israeli dancing is cool," junior Melissa Marver says with a laugh, sitting cross-legged on a plush armchair in Hillel's lobby, relaxing after an hour and 15 minutes of calling out and demonstrating dance steps simultaneously. This is part of her latest effort for the cause: her creation of a Pass/Fail Ex College class, Israeli Dance, which she teaches two evenings a week in Hillel's basement. The class is based on starting from the bare foundation of the dance and building a repertoire. Israeli dance, which can be categorized into line, circle and couple dances, is a high-energy dance form that reflects age-old traditions and current trends. Each dance is based on the song for which it was choreographed and is known by the original song's title. Marver teaches the Yemenite step, the Tcherkessiya and the Mayim step, among others, which comprise choreography for songs that are traditional or that may reflect Latin and hip-hop influences. Marver is well-prepared to demonstrate roughly 200 to 300 Israeli dances, accrued by a lifetime of family trips to recreational Israeli dances every Sunday night at the University of Minnesota in her hometown, Minneapolis. Now proudly carrying on the tradition here at Tufts, Marver has found that people haven't needed as much convincing as she thought. "People are actually more enthusiastic about it than I could have ever expected," she says. Some students recently founded a Facebook group called, "Israeli Dancing Makes My Life Complete," and many have expressed interest in possibly making the class into a student group after this semester. The class performed at Israeli Food Night in Dewick in March, and Marver is planning an Israeli dance party to take place later in April. Meanwhile, class curriculum includes attending two recreational Israeli dances or lessons in the greater Boston area. By the end of the class, the students will know roughly 30 Israeli dances, and will have created original choreography for an Israeli song to be performed at the April dance party. Though the engineering psychology major is busy as the Historian of Shir Appeal, a board member of the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society, and a Hillel board member, she keeps her artistic endeavors a priority. Above all, Marver looks to her artistic expression as a way to remain involved in campus life. "It's perpetual motion," she says, "it's natural for me to be busy." Marver couldn't always devote much time to her love of singing due to her schedule. She trained rigorously at the Hopkins School of Dance 10 to 12 hours a week in high school. But after dancing since the age of four in ballet, jazz, tap, lyrical and modern dance, Marver knew she was ready to focus on singing when she entered college. She chose to audition for Shir Appeal because she felt a connection with the group. "It's hard to explain," she says. "It seemed like the members of the group were people I'd like to spend a lot of time with." Marver also finds that Shir has another appeal. "There's something really nice about getting to perform for people at synagogues that is more of an emotional experience. It can be more affecting than singing a pop song," she said. Though Israeli dance and Shir Appeal are both religiously related artistic activities, this is actually unintentional, according to Marver. "It's more coincidence than anything else that my two main arts activities are religiously affiliated," she says. "I like having the outlet for singing and dancing." Marver loves Israeli dancing "just because it's fun." She hopes to lead a recreational session next semester, continuing her "mission." "I appreciate that it's involved with my religion," Marver explained, "But I also just enjoy the activity and want to bring it to more people."

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News

Lecturer Halperin to discuss Hollywood icon's gay following

March 28

From leading Hollywood lady to originator of the infamous wire coat-hanger scene from 1981's tell-all biographical film "Mommie Dearest," Joan Crawford has been a prominent figure in showbiz. Crawford also stands as an icon in the gay community, with a multitude of fan websites trafficked in particular by gay men obsessed with her glamour and her "strong woman" image. Yet beyond the chat rooms and the adoring photo galleries stands the question of why such a community exists among gay men. Why do gay men create such icons for themselves, and what can we learn about human sexuality from the gay male perspective? This type of exploration into gay subjectivity, and its broader implications for the study of human sexuality, is the topic of this Thursday evening's lecture by University of Michigan professor David Halperin. Professor Halperin's lecture, entitled "Mommie Dearest: Joan Crawford and Gay Male Subjectivity," is the latest installment in the ongoing Queer Studies Scholars Series, a program sponsored by the Tufts LGBT Center. Professor Halperin's lecture is the capstone on a week of events that focus on gay male culture as found in film, including a Tuesday evening screening of Joan Crawford's 1945 film "Mildred Pierce" and a Wednesday luncheon discussion called "Queer 101." According to LGBT Center Director Dona Yarbrough, the Queer Studies Scholars Series is designed to expose Tufts students and faculty to noted scholars within the queer studies discipline and to foster the discourse on queer theory on the Tufts campus. Professor Halperin is considered a national leader in the queer studies field. His lecture "Mommie Dearest" explores, in his own words, "the uses that gay men have made of Joan Crawford ... [The lecture] will try to discover what those uses tell us about the subjective life of those gay men who have been fascinated by this one Hollywood icon." While Halperin's lecture focuses on the iconography of the gay male community, his area of expertise - queer theory - is not a discipline that only studies patterns among gay men. As Tufts English professor and author of the new book "No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive" Lee Edelman said, "Queer studies is an umbrella term for a variety of methodological and disciplinary inquiries that examine how uninterrogated hetero-normative assumptions effect the construction of what we identify as 'knowledge' or 'value' or 'truth.'" Dona Yarbrough, who will be teaching a course next fall entitled, "Introduction to Queer Studies," likewise considers queer studies as multidisciplinary and broadly functional. "People who 'do' queer studies look at history, literature, film, politics or whatever subject they are studying, through the lens of queer theory, a loosely-defined body of work focused on sexuality and gender," she said. Yarbrough said, "Queer studies is particularly concerned with how identities are socially constructed and regulated, including the construction and regulation of heterosexual as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender identities and practices." While queer studies began developing as a discipline nearly 20 years ago, its instruction at American universities today continues to draw heated criticism and debate. Professor Halperin is no stranger to this discourse, and his 2003 University of Michigan English course entitled "How to be Gay" drew national news coverage and vehement opposition from a variety of educators, social conservatives and politicians. Opponents to the course cited, among other points, questions regarding the public monies that fund the University of Michigan and taxpayers' feelings about paying for a course that studies a lifestyle which may contradict their values. Tufts senior Alex Weissman, an American studies major and proponent of queer studies at Tufts, cited the development of a queer studies curriculum at Tufts as necessary for rounding out the options the University provides for the study of cultural and social groups and trends. "[Queer studies] has grown through other schools of thought like feminism and post-structuralism and provides intellectually challenging criticism of society," he said. Weissman also views queer studies as a field that can enhance learning opportunities for students in a variety of academic disciplines. "Last year I took a biology class in which we discussed the biology of homosexuality. I found the discussion extremely problematic, with homophobic comments coming from students and unintentionally heterosexist framing of the discussion. Queer studies would have provided more avenues for dialogue in this case and given students a broader perspective on sexuality." From biology to the gay male iconography of Joan Crawford, proponents of queer studies curriculum see queer studies as a path to a broader understanding of the human experience. The challenge now for queer studies scholars and supporters is to redefine questions of what "should" be studied at the university level, a definition which many supporters hope will eventually include the culture of "queers."

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News

Men's Tennis | Squad blazes past Camels

March 28

The men's tennis team's match against Connecticut College yesterday was like having a minor quiz before a big test. The Jumbos easily defeated the Camels 7-0 yesterday afternoon, but they will face tougher competition this weekend against Williams and Amherst. The Jumbos now have a winning record of 2-1. Despite the importance of the upcoming matches, the team did not lose focus on the current game. Coach Jim Watson emphasized to his players during practice this week that they should focus on the task at hand - beating the Camels. "I told the guys before the match, there was absolutely to be no fooling around," Watson said. "And to their credit, they responded. They realized like I did that this was a match in which you could easily lose your focus." Watson could have used its reserve players or experimented with new techniques, but he decided to avoid lineup changes and play his regulars instead. "We have tremendous depth on this team," Watson said. "I could have used any of my reserve players today and won. But I played the regulars because they were so eager to play after spring break." Junior Paul Roberts echoed his coach's sentiments regarding the relative ease with which the Jumbos sent Connecticut College home before dark. "[The Camels] were so over-matched," Roberts said. "We could have used any strategy to win out there." After the match, Watson had little criticism for his team, considering the Jumbos won in just over two hours. The short duration is a rarity for a tennis match, meaning a Dewick dinner might have been in store for the team. For comparison, the Jumbos' matchup against Bates lasted almost five hours. Senior co-captain and top-ranked Jumbo Rifat Perahya modestly acknowledged that despite the team's success yesterday, there's still room for improvement. "There are still many things we need to work on," Perahya said. "We have been anticipating these games this weekend against Williams and Amherst for a while, but we need to attack, attack and attack some more if we want to win." "We need to improve our volley skills, but we also need to come to the net more," Perahya added. Watson agrees, adding that the NESCAC favors aggressiveness over being a pusher. "This used to be a league where you could get away with being a pusher. But you simply can't do it anymore," Watson said. "That's why [Roger] Federer is dominating right now and [Andy] Roddick is starting to struggle. It seems like a bit of a national trend." Watson is also happy with his team's high first-serve percentage, especially in light of shoulder problems that have plagued the Jumbos this season. "We are serving well and I think we are only going to get better," Watson said. Sophomore Sean McCooey was encouraged by the success of his fellow double teams in the Jumbos' first NESCAC win over the Camels. When Tufts played Bates a couple of weeks ago, McCooey and his partner, sophomore Geoff Loh, were the only Jumbos double team to win their match. The other two doubles teams lost their matches, but all three came out on top against the Camels. "It's a great feeling when you're not the only team to win," McCooey said. "Obviously you want your play to benefit the rest of the team and I think that happened for all of us today." "Its also not bad to keep up [the doubles team's] No. 12 ranking in the country along with our No. 20 team ranking nationally," McCooey added.

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Loi To | The Social Entrepreneur

March 28

It has been about a month and a half since that dreaded day in February. No it is not what you are thinking: I am not talking about that singles-hated holiday where candy, flower and stuffed animal sales sky rocket. Neither am I talking about that third week in February where America gets a three-day weekend to honor its founding fathers. I'm talking about that day where two furry animals came into my life.

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Mother Nature talks back

March 28

As part of Tufts' Sustainability Week, student artwork focusing on the interpretation and understanding of the relationship between women and the environment was on display in the Fletcher School's Hall of Flags yesterday. The works encompassed the artists' conceptions of sustainability, gender, equity, human rights, environmental integrity, environmental degradation, and other relevant topics. The event was sponsored by the Tufts Institute of the Environment.

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TV Review | Carrell carries revamped import, 'The Office'

March 28

Office receptionist Pam bursts into tears when her boss tells her she is being fired. He then enthusiastically yelps "Gotcha!" The sadistic joke gets to the core of the humor in "The Office." After unsuccessfully launching remakes of the British comedy "Coupling" and "Men Behaving Badly," NBC was quickly derided after announcing its plans to remake "The Office," the Emmy-winning BBC comedy. However, unlike the previous American remakes - both close to terrible - Thursday's pilot of "The Office" shows potential as a successful American comedy. At first glance, the show seems like a continuation of the movie "Office Space," a cult hit that mocked the boredom of office life. However, whereas that movie focused only on lower-management, "The Office" directs its attention to all levels of management. The series is shot much like "The Real World," with faux confessionals taking the place of the narrator role. The confessionals are the funniest and most revealing points of the show, illustrating the quirks of the characters. Since the setting for the show is in an office, people are often afraid to speak freely. These confessionals provide viewers with the opportunity to hear what each character is really thinking about office life and their boss. Steve Carrell, of "The Daily Show" and "Anchorman" fame, plays Michael Scott, the boss of the eponymous office. Within the show, he describes himself as "a friend first, a boss second ... and an entertainer third." While one moment we see the inept chief floundering, the viewers are then treated to a confessional moment with him, during which he congratulates himself on being a great boss. Therein lies the problem in "The Office"; the viewers are never sure what parts of the show to take seriously. In certain instances, such as the confessional, the viewers are presumably being given the characters' opinions. But with such a strange conceptual series design, it is difficult to see how the writers plan to add depth to the characters. The relationship between Pam (Jenna Fischer) and John (John Krasinski) is cute at best. While viewers see the pair awkwardly making puppy eyes at each other, we also know that Pam has a fianc?©. It will be interesting to see where the show goes; right now it is hard to imagine developing a true connection with any of the characters. While "The Office" is a biting satire of workplaces everywhere, after a half hour of watching the concept grew a little stale. While many people would write off a show that did not grab their attention within one episode, I'm willing to give "The Office" another chance, if only to see Carrell contort himself into different comedic faces week after week. Overall, "The Office" does show promise. Whether it will ascend to the title of great NBC comedies such as "Friends" and "Seinfeld" remains to be seen. And although certain aesthetic parts of the show may have to be sacrificed to strengthen viewer-character relationships, it'd be well worth it, if only to see Carrell continue to abuse his office co-workers every week.

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Top Ten | The top 10 most exciting games of this year's tournament

March 28

Come March, people start talking about the great games and moments of the past. They reminisce about Christian Laettner's shot against Kentucky. They talk about Bryce Drew's incredible buzzer beater. And this year's tourney has produced no shortage of future ESPN Classic reruns and specials and insides and "10 Years Later" retrospectives (it's true - no one can milk a story like ESPN). When this tournament is over, people will talk about the great moments of 2005 as this tournament is chock full of instant classics.10. UNC 67, Villanova 66: What looked like a potential blowout with powerful UNC matched up against an undermanned Villanova team turned into a nailbiter as Randy Foye and Kyle Lowry led a ferocious effort that just wasn't quite enough. 9. Texas Tech 71, Gonzaga 69: The Zags found themselves on the flipside of the upset this time around, as Bobby Knight's boys came back from an 11 point halftime deficit to move on to the Sweet 16.8. NC State 65, UConn 62: The tournament is all about making heroes, and who can forget Julius Hodge carrying his team on his back and winning the game with a three-point play.7. Arizona 79, Oklahoma State 78: Silky smooth shooter Salim Stoudamire launched the Wildcats to the elite eight by hitting a huge shot with 13 seconds left.6. Vermont 60, Syracuse 57: In Coach Tom Brennan's final game coaching the Catamounts, Vermont instantly became one of the biggest bracket-busters in history, knocking off Cuse behind the strength of senior Tyler Coppenrath.5. Michigan State 94, Kentucky 88: MSU proved that its upset of Duke in the Sweet 16 was not a fluke as the Spartans brought down another Final Four regular in a double overtime thriller.4. West Virginia 111, Wake Forest 105: In a classic example of what happens when a team peaks at the right time, West Virginia knocked off No. 2 seed Wake behind a flurry of threes that would carry the Mountaineers all the way to the Elite Eight.3. Bucknell 64, Kansas 63: Huge upset and classic finish as Bucknell held on and then held their breaths as Wayne Simien got a chance to make a Laettner-esque shot, but instead watched his shot hit off the front of the rim. Even Bucknell's atrocious final minute of play wasn't enough to take away their stupendous upset as the No. 14 knocked off the No. 3.2. Louisville 93, West Virginia 85: Down by 20 at one point, the Louisville Cardinals refused to quit. Taquan Dean, playing through the excruciating pain of a sprained foot, gutted it out and led the Cardinals to the Final Four, even as star player Francisco Garcia fouled out in the second half.1. Illinois 90, Arizona 89: With the Illini down by 15 points with just four minutes left, it appeared that No. 1 Illinois would be headed home early. Nobody told that to the players however, as Deron Williams, Luther Head and Dee Brown stole, shot and defended their way to a Final Four as the Illini forced OT and withstood two last-second chances by the Wildcats.-by Nate Grubman, Liz Hoffman, and Dave Pomerantz

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Marissa Beck | Eat This!

March 28

"Wakey, wakey ... eggs and bakey!" sang our favorite Rudi Rivera, a wild Rico Suave water aerobics instructor down in the Dominican Republic. "Time for some happy snacky snacky, in the sunny sunny ... welcome to Puerto PlatAAAAAAA!" Latin music drum roll please ... and we're off. Spring break day one starts the fun. Sixteen college kids on the run. They eat and eat and drink all day. Stuff their faces at the all-you-can-eat-buffet. Evening comes, what do they do? They dance, smoke, drink, and eat fondue. Day two: buffet is still novel. Created in their stomachs quite the hovel. Five to nine servings of fruits and veggies become 20. Little did they know this was more than plenty! When is enough enough, I pondered. In our all-inclusive deal, how many calories we squandered! Your three-ounce chicken breast becomes an eight, because buffet-style meals pack it on the plate. And the blocks of cheese you access freely? Just to give the tongue and throat a feely, four Las Vegas dice are the size of one serving of cheese. Oh so small, such a tease! Cr??pes, plantains, Sancocho, duck. The average bagel is the size of a hockey puck. Pork, beef, guava juice, calamari. Three ounces of meat - the size of a deck of cards, sorry. Daiquiris, Pi?±a Coladas, Sea Breezes galore. One to two drinks you get, no more. These rhymes are terrible, but I cannot resist, when a single serving of vegetables or fruit is about the size of your fist. I know, this seems so small. Particularly when one half-cup of ice cream is the size of a tennis ball, a teaspoon of peanut butter is one of your thumb tips, and a cupped handful's a serving of pretzels or chips. Steamed rice is the size of a cupcake wrapper; the size of a checkbook is three ounces of snapper. These portion control guidelines should work for a buffet; I wish I were making this up, but it's according to the USDA. A baseball's the size of a serving of pasta; any more might really cost ya. A potato serving's the size of a computer mouse - not the size of a small brick house. Those salad bowls, ahem troughs, in Carmie and Dewick; make sure to bring your measuring stick. A serving of pancakes is the size of a CD; top it off with a cup of strawberries for a good source of vitamin C. All vices are magnified during "Semana Santa." You're the bad child of the week, singing "Fanta, Fanta, don't you wanta..." And still in the Garden of Eden you do enjoy the local fruits, smells on the street - and college boys. In fact you jumped right into Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights, but now you're paying for those last nights and bites. Sixteen students turn kids in a candy shop, frolicking about with no mom or pop. Gluttons for a week and they didn't have to hide it. It's all-included, you're entitled, eating your way through the week unbridled. But woe unto these "invincible" kids, drinking and eating double. Nausea and cramps began the trouble. It was time to pull back the reins come day five - that is, if they wanted to remain alive. Thank goodness for Imodium AD; otherwise, nothing in that alimentary-tract-gone-wild would agree. That salivating comida was all the less seductive, when a life on the ba?±o became destructive. Buffet-style took its toll; pretty soon, heads began to roll. Sixteen kids jumped down to three, since Vesuvius erupted in the tummy. And those remaining few know not to go back for seconds, even when el postre beckons. But it's spring break, for Jumbo's sake - it's time to indulge! Yes, yes, it is ... but what of the battle of the bulge? It often can be a distress, once everything happens in excess. And so we must learn to know the body's max, and must know when the time comes to sit down and relax. That's not to say your body is not deserving of a first, second or even a third serving. You can't stand too much rigidity for too long, and with a little indulgence, may you come out strong. And thus goes the story of a fun spring breakey. Back to reality. Wakey, wakey!Senior Marissa Beck, an English and art history major, works with the Strong Women program as an assistant manager and personal trainer for the Tufts Personalized Performance Program. She can be reached at Marissa.Beck@tufts.edu. This column is written in conjunction with Emily Bergeron, R.D., the editor of the Daily's Balance section.

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News

Turkish artist works to preserve her ancient craft

March 28

Trained in artistic instruction at the Topkapi Palace in Istanbul, Turkey, artist Muhammadi Zuhal Karamanli educated students and professors on the ancient and traditional art in which she specializes. Karamanli's works include both original miniatures and embellishments of calligraphy. In the Turkish art scene, Karamanli is known as a "Muzehibe" - the title for artists who focus primarily in the "Tezhip" art form. "[Tezhip] has been taught in the Topkapi Palace continuously for five hundred years," Art and Art History Professor Eva Hoffman said. "It is a very specialized enterprise." After arriving in America eight years ago, Karamanli said that she typically works either for patrons of calligraphers or calligraphers themselves. "People buy calligraphy and want me to embellish it," she said. "I work for a commission." Karamanli said that, although the vast majority of calligraphers are male, more and more Muzehibes are women. "Maybe in the future we'll take over [calligraphy]," she joked. Sixteen of Karamanli's pieces were displayed around the room, most of which are clearly influenced by Islam, though some portray Turkish-influenced depictions of dragons. Karamanli said that during the modernization of Turkey, Tezhip was "almost completely wiped out." Within the Topkapi Palace, however, the tradition was kept alive and allowed for an eventual resurgence of the art form throughout Turkey. "I'm glad that it isn't a dying art in Turkey," she said. "I'm enjoying keeping the tradition alive." Some of her works, whether embellishments or miniatures, were pictorial expressions of Koranic verses. For example, one piece used the opening verse of the Koran, the Bismillah, and crafted it into the shape of a bird. Other works portrayed dragons, which Karamanli said are often seen as heroes' adversaries in Western cultures. In Turkish and Ottoman culture, dragons are seen as good luck. According to Karamanli, some people believe that if they purchase artwork of eyeless dragons and then draw in the eyes themselves, a wish may be granted. Another one of Karamanli's pieces featured was the Tale of the Nightingale and the White Rose - a set of two pictures which, Karamanli said, showed a nightingale that loved a rose so much, it sang to the flower until it was poked in the heart by the rose's thorn. The nightingale's blood then stained the rose red. "[This is] why the red rose symbolizes love," Karamanli said. She also presented the audience with two Shamas, or flower-like images. Karamanli said that while one of them had a small empty space in the middle, it was drawn in the traditionally correct way. The second image had no empty spaces. Karamanli said she was inspired to draw the second one this way because she was pregnant at the time and wanted to incorporate her own personal feelings into the work. Toward the conclusion of her presentation, Karamanli said that she would like to create exhibitions involving flowers in the future. "We have to get a more personal connection with nature," she said. "Otherwise, there will be no hesitation to destroy it." Approximately 30 students and professors attended Karamanli's presentation in the Koppelman Gallery. Karamanli's most recent exhibitions include 2004 shows at Brandeis University, Colgate University, and at the Anne C. Fisher Gallery in Washington, D.C.

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City Briefs

March 28

Unclean needles found scattered around home Somerville Alderman Denise Provost told the Somerville Journal that she found several dirty needles around the city, and that it is indicative of a drug problem. "It's pretty conspicuous; it's right in front of my flippin' house," she said of one of the needles. "I found two on a Tuesday night and one on a Wednesday morning ... I remember because it was Holy Week." Somerville Mayor Joseph Curtatone said five drug arrests have been made in the past four months around Provost's Albion Street home. Provost said she is afraid to leave dirty needles unattended when she finds them, and always contacts the police to collect them. "I always guard them," Provost told the Journal. "This is one of the reasons I had to get a cell phone." Police Lieutenant Paul Upton said that residents should contact the police to handle any drug paraphernalia discovered, and that drug activity should be reported to the narcotics unit.Incumbent prepares for upcoming election Somerville Mayor Joseph Curtatone's campaign fund is low and in need of funds, according to the Somerville Journal. The campaign has about $29,000 left in the bank, but owes approximately $225,000. The 2003 election cost the mayor's campaign about $262,000. According to the Journal, the mayor is "readying himself for a race" after the expensive 2003 election, in which he faced former Somerville Mayor Dorothy Kelly Gay and opponent Tony Lafuente. Curtatone spent about four times what Lafuente spent in 2003, according to the Journal. Lafuente still has not determined whether he will run again. "We're looking at it," Lafuente told the Journal. "We're keeping our options open." No candidates have officially announced a plan to run, but Curtatone spokesman Mark Horan said Curtatone is preparing for a close contest. "It's an election year, so he's certainly running as if he has an opponent," Horan told the Journal.Police department revisits facial hair regulations Acting Somerville Police Chief Robert Bradley modified grooming regulations for the Somerville Police Department in a memo, stating that goatees and Fu Manchu mustaches will be allowed. "A lot of the officers with shaved heads prefer to have facial hair to offset that look," Bradley said. The chief only had sideburns when he was a sergeant. "Facial hair is not my thing," he said. The Fu Manchu, defined as "a long, narrow mustache with ends drooping to the chin," according to the Somerville Journal, was popularized by a fictional criminal in a 1913 novel. Bradley reserved the right to ban the mustaches if police do not keep them "trimmed and well-groomed," according to the Journal. "Changes in restrictions such as this allow more freedom to the men and women who do this difficult job of ours," Captain Michael Devereaux wrote in the inter-department memo. According to the Journal, however, police were informed that with freedom comes responsibility.- compiled by Bruce Hamilton from the Somerville Journal

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Excavations on campus prepare for electrical maintenance

March 28

Due to routine electrical maintenance, a series of gaping holes now dot the Tufts Academic Quad and the President's Lawn in front of Tisch Library.

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Democracy in Kyrgyzstan, hopefully

March 28

Another former Soviet republic has staged a revolt against corrupt elections and government, with Kyrgyzstan's so-called Tulip Revolution last week. Although it is perhaps too soon to compare Kyrgyzstan with democratic movements in Georgia or Ukraine, it is a promising start for the Central Asian republic.

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Restaurant Review | Blackfin appeals to carnivores and seafood lovers

March 28

I'm not usually a big meat eater, but even I suffer from inexplicable cravings from time to time. I'm not talking about an "I'll have a turkey sandwich" desire, but a full-out "I want a chunky, juicy slab of beef" craving. My beef hunger pangs couldn't have come at a better time: my dad was in town and what sort of good daughter wouldn't bring her father to a nice restaurant? It was time to head over to the Blackfin Chop House & Raw Bar on Huntington Avenue. We had tickets for a show at 8 p.m. so we arrived for an early 6 p.m. dinner. Even so, several tables were already seated and well into their dinners. After taking our jackets, the hostess led us over to our table by the window. As its namesake indicates, diners can get more than just steak here. But even if you just wander in off the street, Blackfin's d?©cor is a clear giveaway: paintings of tall ships, wood paneling, and big fishing rods adorn the walls. Though I was there for a steak, Blackfin clearly prides itself on its seafood as well. As I gaped at the swordfish mounted on the opposite wall, my dad turned his attention to Blackfin's extensive wine list. According to our extremely friendly and perhaps a bit over-enthusiastic waitress, Blackfin boasts a wine cellar of over 100 types of wine. Wines are available by the glass (averaging $8), by the half bottle ($20 to $30) and by the bottle (from not-so-cheap $20 to really-not-cheap $350). Daddy dearest eventually settled for a bottle of 2000 Duckhorn Paraduxx that was safely in the two-digit range. Overhearing praise for the oysters from the table next to us, we followed suit and started with a plate of six oysters of the day on the half shell (market price). It turns out that there is usually more than one type of oyster available every day of the week; we asked for something that's small, clean and a bit salty. The oyster bar chef's recommendations hit just the spot. For bigger parties, three different platters featuring assortments of shell fish, cold crab and lobster, and sashimi are also available. These large plates are unsuitable for parties of two however - if main courses are on the horizon, that is. After slurping down the last of our oysters, we turned back to our menus to plan the rest of our dinner. We decide to split a spinach salad ($10). Further down the menu, all the seafood sounded excellent, but my mind was set on meat, meat, meat. I ended up choosing the 12 oz. filet mignon with rosemary scalloped potatoes (market price) and my dad opted for the 16 oz. pig chop ($22). Why pig chop and not pork chop? My guess is that at one whole whopping pound, it might as well be a pig. Be forewarned: the pig chop takes 40 minutes to prepare. Our spinach salad arrived already split into two half portions and I discovered what the waitress meant when she informed us that the dish is a "wilted" salad: the spinach is cooked ("wilted") and the salad is served slightly warm. It was not what I was expecting, but it was excellent all the same. The vinegar in the dressing nicely balanced out its subtle sweetness. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the menu at Blackfin is frequently updated and at time of press, the spinach salad was no longer available. As we waited for the pig chop to cook, a gigantic platter of lobster, mashed potatoes and various other sides arrived at the table to the right of us, drawing both my and my dad's attention. The man glanced over at us and said in jest, "Three pounds turns out to be a lot bigger than it sounds!" To my surprise, the table to our left joined in on our chuckling and had a brief chat with us, the lobster man and his wife. I love camaraderie, but when one can talk down two tables without shouting, or when I can hear exactly when the woman next to me has had enough of her dish, then the tables are too close to each other. Just as we poured out the last of the wine, our main courses arrived. My filet mignon was all that I imagined it would be. It was done to a perfect medium: pink on the inside, juicy, tender and soft. The pig chop looked ... huge. There's only a measly four ounce difference between my steak and the chop, but those four ounces easily rendered that chop bigger than my head. My dad set his knife and fork aside with a third of the chop remaining. The pork was good, but more dry and tough than my steak. A worthy challenge, nonetheless. The restaurant was full by the time we got up to leave. Evidently, Blackfin attracts all sorts of clientele. There were folks in pressed suits conducting business dinners, couples-young and old alike - enjoying a nice night out, and even families with (well-behaved) children. And at the door, the hostess remarkably remembered which coats were ours (we were not given coat room tags). Call me easily impressed, but that was a great final touch to a wonderful dinner.

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Brian Wolly | Wolly and the Teev

March 28

I recently went on a weekend cruise for my brother Mark's bachelor party. A bit extravagant? Most likely. Worth it? Most definitely. While Rule 4.2a of the Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Code prohibits any specific discussion of what occurred on said trip, there was one aspect of the cruise which I thought was worth mentioning. The overarching theme for the weekend involved eyeing the countless attractive females on the boat with us. At dinner on Friday night, one of Mark's college buddies picked out a smoking blonde about 100 feet away. As we all casually turned around chairs or craned our necks to discretely check her out, I immediately thought aloud, "Huh, she looks a lot like Kristin from 'Laguna Beach.'" It didn't help that no one else at the table had watched the MTV reality show, not to mention even heard of it. I was alone in my insistence that this girl looked just like Kristin, and I was determined to prove it. Later that night, at a pool party on the top deck of the ship, she crossed my path. No doubt in my mind at that point. She wasn't a look-alike; she was Kristin from "Laguna Beach." Saturday night, at dinner, I made a couple of unnecessary walk-bys to the restroom to double and triple-check. As a final resort to affirm my pop culture acuity to my "Laguna Beach" aficionado-friends back home, I seriously considered taking a picture of her: not use my digital camera and press the shutter button, but literally TAKE one of the photographs the cruise's photographers provide for sale on the boat. Wisely, under the advice of my brother, I opted not to steal the head shot of Kristin. My friends would just have to take my word for it. In rehashing all of this on the flight home, I quickly realized the ridiculousness of the situation as a whole and the absurdity of my actions. When I reached home, my friends got a laugh out of it, and I only received one tongue-lashing courtesy of my friend Kate, who was upset I didn't steal the photograph. I guess I bought into the subtitle of the show that made Kristin famous. "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" is anything but real. For this program, the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, to call itself "real" is akin to Fox News calling itself "the most trusted name in news." In their obvious attempt to compare the reality show to the wildly popular nighttime soap on FOX, MTV executives are fooling themselves if they believe that viewers think that "The O.C." is a real depiction of life in southern California. "Laguna Beach," full of fantastical montages of rich, spoiled high-schoolers, passes itself off as a reality program when in actuality it's a hack job attempt at a documentary. But back to Kristin. I came to refer to her as the "celebrity guest" on the ship, when really, what had she done to become a "celebrity?" She allowed cameras to follow her around for a few months, bringing millions of viewers into her glamorous life of beach parties and sordid love triangles. And for that, I felt empowered that I even knew who she was? Perhaps the most absurd part about this is that I've only watched two or three episodes of the show. So why did I still care about the whereabouts and actions of Kristin? When I saw her canoodling with a burly ox, who I later learned plays football for two-time NCAA champion USC, did I really say to myself, "Gee, guess she's not with Stephen anymore?" Sadly, yeah ... I did. While sipping down my fifth 7 & 7 of the night, and as the [SECRET BACHELOR PARTY EVENTS] played out, I was preoccupied with a girl from SoCal, a girl who I pretended to know something about, when in reality, I knew nothing. In the half-hour "Laguna Beach," there are about 22 minutes of original programming. Take away the B-roll shots that have become a staple of reality shows, and maybe there are 20 minutes of the characters interacting. That's not nearly enough time to actually know someone well. The producers of "Laguna Beach" created a caricature of Kristin so she would fit into the overall designs of the show: a view into the world of attractive and wealthy teenagers. So sitting in the On Your Toes nightclub on the ninth deck of the Majesty of the Seas, I was staring at an exaggeration of a lifestyle which this girl may or may not epitomize. Kristin was simply taking a normal vacation with her boyfriend and her parents, in an environment removed from pervasive video cameras and boom mikes. The only thing stopping her from removing the "reality show" stigma was me and the other handful of television addicts on the boat. Sure, she agreed to be on "Laguna Beach" and apparently enjoyed the attention enough, seeing as she is returning for a second season of the show. But isn't she entitled to a life outside of a pigeonholing reality series? The reality genre, as a minor cog in the modern societal machine, has stripped our culture of personal privacy. Anyone can be a celebrity, and by extension, no one can be anonymous. But there is some hope; people still have some small sliver of propriety. As I sit at my desk, there's only a picture of me and my family. The picture of Kristin on the ship stayed on the ship. Visions of the dirty blonde hair and curvaceous figure will remain confined to the television screen, at least until they make "Laguna Beach: The Movie."Brian Wolly is a senior majoring in history. He can be reached via e-mail at brian.wolly@tufts.edu.

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