Obligatory joke number 1
October 13It has begun! I tried to warn you all. I really did. "The end of the world is near," I said. "Get ready, it won't be long now," I said. I even tried to give you free bumper stickers and reading material! But you all just laughed at me. Now, though... I have proof. This is a time of miracles and monsters roaming the earth. And to top it off, he has returned from the future to save us all. Oh, yes. Ahnold: The Govahnator!!! (Oh, come on. I'm a columnist. There are certain jokes every columnist in America has to make. This is one of them.) Yes, folks, in case you've been hiding under a rock for the past six months, you know by now the California has a new leader. Everyone has some opinion on the subject -- after all, it's one of the more ridiculous things to happen to politics since Dick Cheney named himself Vice President! But personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Let's face facts. There are some very positive things that can come out of Arnold being the Govnah. Firstly, having Arnold as governor can only do wonders for our international relations programs. Who DOESN'T love Arnold? He's an action star throughout the western world, a sex symbol in the middle east, and he is SO big in Japan right now. If anyone ever tried to mess with the U.S., we can just send Governor Arnold over there to "Terminate" them. Plus, he's already working on improving our relations with the small European country of Georgia. For indeed, according to the BBC, in the small province of Imareti, the people have been clamoring to name a Mountain after the famous star of "Kindergarten Cop." Temur Shashiashvili (try saying THAT one twice in a row), Imereti's presidential representative, has said that "the decision to rename a mountain had been taken two years earlier and an invitation had been issued for Mr. Schwarzenegger to visit." Now, while the actor's health problems and busy schedule kept him from visiting the tiny country no one has ever heard of, I see no reason why a quick European trip can't be arranged these days. It would be worth it just to see Arnold standing next to his massive mound. Achem. Secondly, Arnold's salary from Terminator 3 could very easily pay for the state budget crisis that California has found itself in. Plus, he has connections to the Kennedy family. If he ever finds himself in a tight spot he can just get Teddy to create some embarrassing little family crisis to distract everyone. I'd kill to be in on THAT conversation.... "Now, look, Teddy. I need you to do this. Just pretend that you killed another secretary. Do it for Cal-i-for-nee-a." "Arnold, I don't think I can really do that for you...." "Well... will you do it for a cheeseburger?" "Make it two and we have a deal." "HASTA LA VISTA, BIZNATCH!" Thirdly, as long as Ahnold is around, California will never have a problem with masked vigilantes, something that London has been having a problem with. For indeed, the home of Fair Britainia has been taken over by the illegal activities of the one, the only... ANGLE-GRINDER MAN! Yes, according to the International Herald Tribune, Angle Grinder Man has been running around London for well over four months, railing against the system by using his buzz saw to cut off "boots" from illegally parked cars. For those Anglo-challenged amongst us, "boots" are put on cars that are illegally parked and cost roughly 150 pounds to be removed. He swirls around in a golden cape, golden pantaloons (because pants simply aren't HEROIC enough) and a blue mask to hide his identity. While Angle-Grinder Man has become something of a local celebrity among the populace, he has also become a terror to the local authorities. Although he has avoided the Jolly Ole' Cop Brigade, there have been several close encounters where our hero has escaped mainly through "dumb luck." However, if Ahnold goes over to London as a diplomatic favor to Her Majesty, the masked vigilante will most likely end up sleeping with the fish 'n chips. That's what it comes down to, really. A vote for Ahnold was a vote for safety. As long as he is running the glorious Accented Republic of California, no one will have to worry about robots, aliens, the Devil, secret government conspiracies, or Gray Davis' oddly shaped head. So rejoice and relax, all ye who are terrified! The apocalypse may be near, but as long as Ahnold is around we should be pretty well entertained. And remember... ALL HAIL AHNOLD!

