News
October 23
Ethan: Good afternoon everyone, I'm Ethan Austin and I'd like to welcome you to today's episode of "The Sports Reporters 14." The format of today's show will be somewhat different than usual, as we will be joined by three special guests, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott, and color commentators John Madden and Tim McCarver.
We certainly have an interesting show ahead of us here this afternoon, so I'll get us all started. First off, Tim, we all know you're an idiot, but how stupid are you really?
McCarver: Well let me put it this way, Ethan. Yes.
Ethan: Well, uh Tim, I don't think I entirely understand. Would you mind clarifying that?
McCarver: Well let me put it this way, Ethan. Back in the '50s when Ken Griffey Jr. played on the San Fransisco Yankees, I used to watch a lot of baseball. Somehow I ended up playing in the major leagues even though I was terrible, and eventually I ended up broadcasting. To tell you the truth, I don't really know how it happened. I don't know the first thing about baseball. Wait, should I say that? Maybe people shouldn't know that.
Ethan: Oh come now Tim, you know nobody reads this column. So you really don't know anything at all?
McCarver: Well let me put it this way, Ethan. Yesterday I figured out how to tie my own shoes, and I've made three tuna fish sandwiches in the past week, so that's been pretty good.
Ethan: Do you think that this might be one of the reasons why your nickname was "Buckethead" while you were playing?
McCarver: Well let me put it this way, Ethan. I have used a bucket once.
Ethan: All right then.We're going to forget than Tim McCarver exists, and turn next to John Madden. So John, what's it like not working on Sundays for the first time in your life?
Madden: I mean, here's a guy, John Madden, who has worked every single Sunday for as long as he can remember, and then BOOM! He's working on Mondays now.
Ethan: Your mind is absolutely fascinating John. Do you ever miss Pat Summerall?
Madden: I mean, here's a guy, John Madden, who worked with Pat Summerall for almost as long as he can remember, and then POW! He's working with Frank Gifford.
Ethan: Really a good point. I hope you all at home are taking notes. So what are your thoughts on Terrell Owens and his latest display on the field?
Madden: I mean, here's a guy, Terrell Owens, who's a football player. He runs around the field, and he catches the football. He knows how to play the game of football. A week or two ago, he used a pen in his sock to sign a football. If you look at the tape you see BAM! He takes the pen out of his sock, and then BOOM! He signs the football. I don't think it gets much more clear.
Ethan: Let's pretend that that little interlude didn't just happen, and we'll move on to Stuart Scott. So Stuart-
Scott: Boo Yeah!
Ethan: Well Stuart that certainly is interesting but-
Scott: He's makin his kin folk so proud, Pookey and Ray Ray and all them. Bringin it to da hizouse! Boo yeah!
Ethan: Stop it.
Scott: And the lawd said-a, ya gotta rise up!
Ethan: I hate you.
Scott: C'mon, show me some love! Boo yeah!
Ethan: I never thought I'd say this but, let's go back to Tim McCarver for a minute and talk a bit about the World Series. So Tim, it's pretty tough to bet against those Angels, especially with that rally monkey on their side. Your thoughts?
McCarver: Well let me put is this way, Ethan. There's an unwritten rule in the game of baseball that whenever there's a monkey involved in a game, the home team always wins, so it's really tough at this point to say who will win this series.
Ethan: You really are the stupidest man alive, aren't you?
McCarver: Well let me put it this way, Ethan. The New York Yankees are the best team in the history of baseball. The always win and have never lost. If I could marry George Steinbrenner, I would. I've always said that. Now, after that happens, I will be more closely associated with the New York Yankees.
Ethan: Remarkable Tim. I would go back over to John Madden to talk a little more about the NFL, but it seems as though he has gotten lost inside of his own sweater.
Madden: (from inside the sweater, trying to escape) I mean, here's a sweater, my sweater, and I can't find my way out! I was just trying to find my belly button, and then BOOM! I'm lost inside my own sweater!
Ethan: You are truly an impressive man, John. We're almost out of time here today, so let's get to our parting shots. Why don't we start with you Tim.
McCarver: As the World Series goes on, we will find out who is the better team. Whoever pops the ball up more will probably lose this series. There is an unwritten rule in the game of baseball that the team with the taller players catches more pop up balls, unless that team is the Yankees, and they catch more pop ups than anybody. This is what will win the World Series.
Ethan: Couldn't have said it better myself, Tim. John?
Madden: I mean, I'm in a sweater, my sweater, and I'm just completely lost inside. If you look at the tape again, the first minute I'm out of my sweater, and the next minute, BAM! I'm lost inside of it again!
Ethan: And I almost hate to say, but, Stuart? Any final thoughts?
Scott: Why ya gotta be so mean, Ethan? Boo yeah! Gimme a pound dog!
Ethan: Well that's it folks. I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have. For Tim McCarver, John Madden, Stuart Scott, and annoying sports broadcasters everywhere, this is Ethan Austin. Goodnight.