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August 31
Summer movies have several clunkers regardless of the year, but 2001 just kept churning them out. There were a few movies that looked simply too terrible to see: Cats and Dogs, Bubble Boy, Summer Catch, to name a few. Here's the scorecard for those end-of-summer flicks that looked at least semi-entertaining in the previews.July The first Scary Movie was more shocking than funny, but at least it had a good target: crappy horror movies that say, "Screw you, you'll be scared by anything." But the Wayans Brothers decided to follow up their spoof with a movie that essentially says, "Screw you, you'll laugh at anything." Scary Movie II was a lame assortment of semi-funny concepts that were thrown together at the last minute, and it really looked like it. Here's some advice to the Wayans: instead of Scary Movie III, make "Action Movie," or better yet, "Dumb Teenage Comedy Movie." You've got much more fodder there. While James Woods made a great horny priest and some jokes were chuckle-worthy, most of this movie was a huge waste of time. Does anyone really care if they make fun of The Haunting, House on Haunted Hill, Hollow Man, What Lies Beneath, or Charlie's Angels? Why parody movies that were either a) so bad no one saw them anyway or b) so silly they weren't worth parodying in the first place? And, really, is it still funny to have old white people reciting rap lyrics? Scary Movie II wasn't as bad as it could have been, I suppose, but lord, it wasn't good.Final Fantasy is easily the best video game movie ever made, but that's not saying much, so I will say this: The plot was serviceable and the voice-over work was only decent, but the visuals were outstanding. Bizarre aliens, twisted dream-worlds, and space marines were enough to get you from one awkwardly voiced line to the next. Did it make any sense? Does any video game movie? But as a visual experience, it was unequaled this summer. But it does get docked a bit for having the first computer generated human make-out scene, which was beyond creepy.The Score had the misfortune of coming out the same summer as Sexy Beast, because all it basically has to offer is one well-done heist scene. While Sexy Beast had two great performances and one great heist, The Score has three middling performances from great actors and one good heist. The problem with a movie that has many great actors is that all the effort is used in giving everyone equal screen space. Marlon Brando blunders his way through his scenes, and you never stop thinking, "Hey, it's Marlon Brando." Edward Norton, undermined by the script, comes off as an incredibly unsympathetic upstart. And since the film goes to great lengths to prove what a nice guy Robert DeNiro is - and we know he's never really going to do anything bad except steal for the majority of the movie - there's not much tension. We know the movie is going have a heist, so all the scenes where it's debated whether DeNiro will do it are pointless. The heist sequence and final twist are well done and watchable, but that's one-fourth of a two-hour movie.Brother was a small, independent movie from Japanese director 'Beat' Takahashi. It was occasionally brilliant, but mostly incoherent. Although there are lots of Yakuza lore and hidden meaning to much of this movie, it escaped me. What I did get was the quiet humor of clashing cultures, the occasional philosophy between the bloodletting, and that Mr. Takashi could easily get work as the sub-villain in a Bond film (he doesn't talk much, he doesn't have to). I wanted to like it more than I did, but the movie often left me scratching my head. I'm not sure why I liked Jurassic Park III. Maybe it's because it had pterodactyls. Maybe it's because it was an hour shorter than the terrible Lost World, which remains the worst Steven Spielberg movie ever. Maybe it's because the movie has a straightforward, "Let's get them on the island and have dinosaurs start eating people," attitude about it. But probably the main reason is that Sam Neil is a wonderful actor, and Jeff Goldblum can never be taken seriously again after celebrity jeopardy on SNL. I walked in with low expectations and got a little above that, so I chalked it up as a pleasant surprise.Planet of the Apes, however, was a big disappointment. Yes, the apes looked great. Yes, the music and some of the performances were wonderful. But unfortunately, the apes were always more involving than the humans. Mark Wahlberg isn't a bad actor (Three Kings and Boogie Nights prove that) but he came off as more of a lost tourist than any kind of hero. Call Charlton Heston a ham if you will, but you cared about him in the original. You cared about his entire crew, and his demands for humanity to be taken seriously. All of the thought and most of the fun is gone from this "re-imagining," which essentially boils down to a remake of Battlefield Earth. Seriously: "Mankind is repressed and put in cages by the bad Apes/Aliens, until a brave and smart Marky Mark/Barry Pepper rises to challenge the Apes/Aliens and start a revolution. He is dogged by the evil, human hating Tim Roth/John Travolta, all the while encouraged by his pouting cave-girl and sympathetic Apes/Aliens." As for the twist at the end, I think movies have to earn a reality-twisting ending. Some movies do: Usual Suspects, Fight Club; and some don't: Unbreakable, Snake Eyes. The ending to this movie, as Bart Simpson once said, managed to "simultaneously suck and blow." AugustRush Hour 2 delivered the goods. It had an acceptable mix of Jackie Chan's acrobatics and Chris Tucker's rapid-fire speech that made for a refreshingly fun summer movie. They can do almost anything in movies with special effects - dinosaurs, 150-foot water waves, robot children - but they haven't been able to replace actors who bring charm and energy to the screen. While nothing special in the writing or plot department, Rush Hour 2 had two accomplished performers doing their stuff, and doing it well. You got what you paid for, and this summer, that's high praise.Osmosis Jones was extremely clever, but only somewhat funny. The first buddy movie to take place inside a body, it was overflowing with imagination and invention: a cold capsule as Robocop, Mafia germs in the armpit, the love handles as "the fastest growing community," and the always shameless William Shatner as the Mayor of Frank. But while most of these ideas made you smile, few took it to the next level. Twisting words only gets you so far, and no matter how many times Chris Rocks says, "Holy Spit!" it's still not that funny. This aside, the film was an animated wonder and fun to watch, even if it evaporates from your mind soon after viewing.Rat Race was also a funny break from the summer of drudgery. There's something refreshing about a movie with no higher ambition than to entertain and make you laugh, and for the most part this movie delivered. Rowan Atkinson, Seth Green, Jon Lovitz, and Breckin Meyer (Road Trip) were all game for high jinx and not a little humiliation in the pursuit of two million dollars. Cuba Gooding Jr., however, needs someone to take him aside and explain that screaming every five seconds is not very funny. His subplot of Lucille Ball impersonators was both dated and stupid at the same time. It started a little slow, but once it got rolling Rat Race was fun all the way to finish line. And finally, there was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, a wonderfully laid back way to end any summer. Basically a love letter to his fans, the film is destined to become a cult favorite. But while I laughed all the way through, the movie did lack in plot and pacing. Enjoying it depended heavily on how many Kevin Smith movies you've seen previously. Didn't see Clerks or ChasingAmy? Then JSBSB would be beyond pointless. But for every of the four movies you've seen, give it a star.Brother, 2 starsThe Score, 2 stars Final Fantasy, 3 starsScary Movie II, 1.5 starsJurassic Park III, 2.5 starsPlanet of the Apes, 2 starsRush Hour 2, 3 starsRat Race, 3 stars Osmosis Jones, 2.5 starsJay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 3 stars