Is That a Banana In Your Pocket?

From the money shot in American Pie to that rumor in middle school about the girl who masturbated with a frozen hotdog, food is something that we have come to associate with sex.

Our conflation of sex and eating started when we were first learning about the sexual pleasures of our bodies. Seconds after our first French kiss we were running to the kitchen to try out all the food clich?©s. Come on, how many girls do you know who had chocolate sauce licked off their breasts, and what boy hasn't had the wet dream about the hot, naked chick covered in whipped cream?

From our adolescent food-sex experiments we have developed an undisputed schema of what constitutes a "sexy" food, and what does not. Two people feeding each other strawberries seems like a legitimate and even romantic precursor to sex. Yet it's hard to picture even the most health-conscious vegan couple noshing on broccoli as foreplay. We have very clear ideas of which foods do and do not fly in the bedroom.

But what is it that makes a food sexy? I've heard the argument that people use chocolate, whipped cream and strawberries as sex foods because they are universally enjoyed. However I'd be willing to bet that just as many people are fond of pizza or nachos. In fact, several studies have confirmed that men tend to prefer savory foods to sweet ones. Nevertheless, you don't hear of couples licking Cheese Wizz off of each other's genitals. Personally, I find it quite ironic that all of the foods we associate with sex are sweet...rather than salty...

All sweet or salty arguments aside, why this collective fantasy about turning our kitchens into our bedrooms? What it is about food that we find so sensual? And as sexy as we believe feeding our partners to be, we are completely repulsed by the idea of what that same "sexy" food becomes twelve hours later. Isn't it a little bizarre that we are so eager to sexually involve ourselves in the beginning of a process that ultimately ends in a dump?

But more importantly than how sexy it is to use food as a sexual prop, is the issue of safety. From the information I was able to gather through WebMD and various gynecologists and midwives, spicing up your sex life with food is fairly safe as long as you follow two rules. Rule number one: don't ever stick any type of food up the vagina. I mean after all, if it was safe to actually stick foods up there, it seems like vegetable farmers would have put sex shops out of business.

Rule number two: stay away from leaving sugary substances on or around male or female genitalia. Sugar promotes yeast growth and can cause yeast infections (yes, men can get these too). Basically, if you want to add food to your sex life, use common sense. Keep in mind that your vagina is not a refrigerator, and you can't go haphazardly filling it with any tasty item on your grocery list.

But all joking aside, one should never feel like they have to add flavor to their genitals to mask its natural taste. If you want to mix food and sex, do it to add interest, not because your partner would rather eat an ice cream sundae then what is naturally between your legs. Honestly, if your partner is that concerned with the natural taste of your genitals then maybe they should invest in a good desert, rather than a sex partner.