Finch vs. Kournikova

A great battle has begun, the likes of which we may never see again.

A new force has arisen, while a Goliath has come tumbling to the ground. It's unthinkable, really. Forget USA over Russia, Jets over Colts, Pats over Rams, Chaminade over Virginia, even Hoosiers; an upset of this magnitude has never even been dreamt of before. This is huger than huge. It's gargantuan. It's humungous. It's downright shocking.

Anna Kournikova is no longer the hottest female athlete in the world. I know, I know. It hurts a little bit every time you hear it, but it's true. Jennie Finch has taken over. I've been in utter shock since I read the news, and I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes.

On ESPN.com's Page 2, over 62 percent of the more than 188,000 people who voted said that Jennie Finch is hotter than Kournikova. 62 percent! That's not even close! Poor Anna only pulled in a measly 37.5 percent. Where did this girl come from? This is like all of a sudden realizing there's someone better at golf than Tiger Woods who we just hadn't really noticed. How did something like this happen?

Up until now, Kournikova had been the undisputed champ. There wasn't even anybody in her league who could compete with her. It just wouldn't have been fair. In fact, ESPN's contest was originally to decide who was the hottest athlete besides Anna. They just figured she'd run away with it. Little did they know...

Since I heard the news, I've been trying to figure out how we, the ever-observant public, could have possibly made such a stupefying oversight. After hours of thinking got me absolutely nowhere (imagine that), I started to toss the subject around for debate. Some people have ruthlessly defended Kournikova, while others seem to have embraced the new Jennie Finch era.

The ever-wise Jon Stanewick suggested that the only reason why people would even think of voting for Finch is that they're just plain sick of Anna Kournikova. Now, that idea might have some merit. And the only reason I say that is because no sooner had Jon explained his theory than the following discourse occurred:

Me: That's stupid. Nobody could get sick of Anna Kournikova.

(Door opens, enter Munch [friend])

Stanewick: Munch, who's hotter, Anna Kournikova or Jennie Finch?

Munch: Jennie Finch. I'm sick of Anna Kournikova.

Stanewick: HA!

So I was wrong about that one. It isn't the first time. But I still don't really buy it. I just can't believe that over 117,000 people are sick of Anna Kournikova. It just doesn't make sense.

But if people aren't sick of her, then why did they vote for Jennie Finch? Well I have an idea. Call me simple minded, call me crazy, call me whatever you want, but Jennie Finch really is hotter than Anna Kournikova. And this goes beyond the physical. She's hotter on every conceivable level of hot.

Let's compare vitals, shall we?

(Note: It's pretty hard to compare physical attractiveness in writing, so we'll stick to athletic achievements, accounts of personality, what have you.)

While pitching at Arizona, Jennie Finch won an NCAA record 60 consecutive games, during which time she had a 0.45 ERA. Her freshman year she went 24-8, her sophomore year she went 29-2, her junior year she went 32-0 (noticing a pattern here?) and her senior year she was 34-6.

She was named the nation's best player two years in a row, she is an All-American several times over, and she led her team to the Women's College World Series in 2002. She also is a career .301 hitter with 50 homeruns -- not bad for a pitcher, eh? Her fastball has been clocked between 60 and 70 mph, which means that it reaches the plate faster than anything that Roger Clemens or Curt Schilling or Pedro Martinez can throw.

When she visited one of the Seattle Mariners' workouts as a correspondent for This Week in Baseball, she threw one pitch to Jay Buhner before he stepped out because he was "scared." (Did you ever think that you ever hear Jay Buhner say he was scared? Am I the only one who finds this astonishing? Should I stop talking now?) Mike Cameron at least managed to foul away two balls before Finch struck him out. If that isn't hot, I'm not sure what is.

She says that she has never cursed, even once in her life, and, by every account that I could find anywhere, Jennie Finch is just about the nicest person you'll meet. Ever.

Now for Anna:

At the time of this writing, Kournikova is ranked 67th in the world, behind such awe inspiring names as Yoon Jeong Cho, Katarina Srebotnik, and Marie-Gaianeh Mikaelian. She has never, in her storied career, won a singles title, although she does have two Grand Slam titles in doubles. (Her world ranking in doubles is actually a respectable 22.)

And personality? According to some people who have met her, Anna's disposition ranks somewhere between a rabid mongoose and a one-eyed Rotweiler named Spike. She apparently married Sergei Federov, but had to keep it a secret because her image depended on her being single. Basically, she's a real peach.

But heck, we all know that personality and athletic ability aren't everything. And, as I mentioned before, it's hard to compare physical attractiveness with words. So what I want to do is to conduct a Tufts poll. I want you, my loyal reader, to tell me who you think is hotter, but more importantly, why you feel the way you do. Email your opinions to ethan.austin@tufts.edu, and next week I will share your feelings with the rest of the world, and hopefully we can put this debate to rest.