It's Baseball Time

As baseball season's first week rolls on, every guy on campus is looking for a way to pretend he's in the big leagues.

Many of you will fish out your glove from behind the window fan in your closet and head outside for a game of catch with your buddies.

If you are in this category, go back inside immediately because it's 30-below outside and it's not like playing pickle on the President's Lawn is going to trim that gut that you've been building up since the ALCS.

Many of you will head down to Huskins Field to watch the Jumbos take on some other dinky Division III school. If you're hoping to relive your childhood memories of little league and make sarcastic comments, like "I would have taken that throw on a short-hop," this option won't exactly work either.

Not only were you never good enough to make that grab, but you pretending you could have made the squad if you had felt like it just insults the intelligence of everybody around you.

Many of you will put away that Madden CD and break out MLB MVP 2004 for your X-Box. You sure won't be playing it on your computer because those bastards at EA make you buy a special controller for this year's edition.

Even on X-Box, a baseball game can only get you grooved for April baseball for a couple days, because pretty soon that permanently high freshman down the hall will be kicking everybody's ass like nobody's business.

So what's the solution? What can you do for hours on end to get jacked about the Rockies having the majors' oldest roster or the Braves selling their last chance in this era to have a prayer at a chance a decade from now?

The answer is simple: a baseball movie.

Not just any baseball movie, though. This has got to be one that you can watch over and over. One that you can watch with your roommate, one that you can watch in big groups, one that you can watch with that special someone.

"Bull Durham" usually tops everybody's list, but if I want to picture myself throwing down with Pujols or Helton, there's no way I want to be watching some washed-up never-has-been, a jerk-off with a cannon for an arm, and the team prostitute stab each other in the back for two hours.

"The Natural" is always a solid choice as well, but if I want to see a down-on-his-luck hero with a lucky bat, I'd much rather watch the "Simpsons" spoof where Mr. Burns buys all the pros right before the final game and Homer ends up getting beaned with the bases loaded to bring in the winning run.

"Major League" is hilarious, but nobody I ever played with was that crazy. "Field of Dreams" is nice and spiritual, but let's be honest, this is the same guy who made "Waterworld."

"A League of Their Own" has some great performances by Tom Hanks, Rosie O'Donnell, and Madonna, but something about "Come to Theta Chi for a pledge party -- we're watching World War II-era women assert their role in society" doesn't sound right.

So there's only one possibility: "The Sandlot."

"The Sandlot" is, hands down, the best baseball movie for any time of day, any time of year -- especially for shaking off that off-season depression.

For one thing, it was directed by David Evans, the same guy who made "First Kid" -- you know, that movie about the president's son with Sinbad. And if anything says track record, it's getting a desperate, overweight stand-up comedian to play second fiddle to some punk kid in a movie that's going straight to video.

Not only that, you've got Scotty Smalls -- the classic new kid in town who makes friends by playing baseball and learns baseball from his new friends -- and Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez -- the one guy from everybody's little league team that you knew was going to go on and play D-I ball.

Add to that Yeah Yeah, Ham, Squints, DeNu¬ez, Timmy and Tommy, and you've got yourself a cast of child-actor all-stars. What a shame not a single one of these guys ever had another successful movie, or, in most cases, any movie at all.

Finally, there's Denis Leary as the asshole stepfather -- can't you just see Denis Leary being this guy in real life? -- and Mr. Darth Vader himself, James Earl Jones, as the owner of the biggest, baddest St. Bernard on the planet, The Beast.

From the scene where Squints makes out with the lifeguard, Wendy Peffercorn, during CPR, to the insult contest where Ham tells the pretty-boy on the bike that he plays ball like a girl, to the scene at the carnival where the whole team yacks like fire hydrants from the tilt-a-whirl after throwing down a wad of chewing tobacco, "The Sandlot" is a blast all the way through.

So before you leave for the second night of Passover Seder tonight, go rent "The Sandlot."

Besides, if Ethan can spend two weeks telling you to watch some skiing movie as spring is starting, why can't I get you to make out with your lady friend while thinking about Ham's best comeback, "You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam?"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. F-O-R-E-V-E-R, F-O-R-E-V-E-R, F-O-R-E-V-E-R.