In the words of The Doors, this is the end. We've reached the conclusion of the semester, and that means it's time to hand out the year-end awards.
It's time to thank those individuals who have made it possible for a sardonic fan from Philadelphia to insult and condemn the sports world. It's time for the Philly Phodder's Thank You's, Spring 2005 edition.
And we don't need to look any farther than our national pastime. In March, we had the privilege of seeing our own United States Congress investigating whether the record books are truly accurate. Three members of the 500 Home Run Club (McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro) testified in front of the House Government Reform Committee, broadcast live on ESPN, CSPAN and CNN. It's degrading to think that Congress has to step in and chastise the nation's favorite sport for overstepping it limits. But that's the treat we got to witness. Thank you, Major League Baseball, for reaching an all time low.
But none of it would have been possible without you, Jose Canseco. Your love letter to the game that made you rich, "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big," released on Feb. 14, condemned the baseball world and implicated many stars. Now, thanks to you Jose, we can sit back and watch when players like Brian Roberts of the Orioles have hot starts and comment that he must be on the juice. Thank you Jose, for ruining baseball for the fans.
Mr. Bonds, I thanked you last winter when secret testimony in the BALCO case made the San Francisco Chronicle. But let me thank you again for your inspiring a Mar. 4 interview with ESPN's Pedro Gomez where you alleged that your head hasn't gotten any bigger and your testicles are the same size. Thanks for removing all doubt big guy (who went from 180 pounds in 1986 to 230 pounds). Once again, seven MVP awards, but like school in the summer, no class. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you baseball's ambassador and greatest player. Thanks, Barry.
And finally, I want to extend a thank you to Alex "Dirty" Sanchez, who managed a steroid conviction on April 3, only four days after the season started. And 38 big thank you's go to all 38 minor leaguers who were convicted just two days later. Obviously five months of speculation about steroids in baseball coupled with a new steroid policy wasn't enough to deter you guys from your juicing habits. Big deal though, right? A 10 day penalty isn't the end of the world. Some days you win, some days you lose, and some days you juice. Thanks, guys.
Time to move from bulging muscles to bulging egos. I'm talking about the NBA. I have to thank Kobe Bryant and Vince Carter for reaching a new level of selfishness. It's no coincidence that Shaq didn't shake your hand before the All-Star game, Kobe. And it's no coincidence that Phil Jackson publicly condemned you in his book, "The Last Season." And happily, it's no coincidence that the Lakers, now relying solely on you, missed the playoffs for the first time in 11 years. Kobe, thank you for your winning attitude.
As for Vinsanity, you're lucky you didn't get traded to Philadelphia. Anybody who has the gall to ...
a.) not give their best effort
b.) admit it publicly
c.) continue to steal money from adoring fans
...would get lambasted in Philly. We have enough problems with players who don't like to practice ("It's practice" - The one and only A.I.). Thanks VC, for giving it your all.
And while we're on the subject of pampered athletes and Philadelphia, let's move to football. T.O, T.O, T.O. I can't say that I didn't see something like this coming. You make $3.25 million this year, but you need more money. Apparently you're unsatisfied with your contract because something to the tune of $50 million over seven years simply doesn't cut it. After all, you "need to feed [your] family." Thank you T.O-your overt greed will hopefully be rewarded with a ticket out of town. You may not have been the player to "get tired in the Super Bowl," but Philadelphia is tired of you.
And finally, hockey. Congratulations on becoming the first major sport to cancel an entire season due to financial wrangling and labor disputes. Thank you for disappointing a whole nation of fans (although fan numbers were already dwindling). The NHL used to be a staple in spring for fantastic games filled with jaw-dropping plays, shots, and hits. Now, thanks to commissioner Gary Bettman and NHLPA executive director Bob Goodenow, hockey is a magnet for criticism and takes multiple hits from people like me. Hey, at least the NHL won't have to worry about ratings anymore.
An honorable mention thank you goes to A-Rod. You spent Spring Training fighting off attacks from the Red Sox about being a true Yankee. And not a single true Yankee came to your defense. I find it amazing that people like you even less after hearing that you saved a kid's life. Simply amazing.
I want to offer a genuine thank you to the city of Boston. These past eight months have been fantastic for a sports fan between a World Series, a tear-jerking Super Bowl (well, for me- damn Patriots), and an awesome Marathon. And some genuine thank you's go out to my readers, especially my editors at Penn State, Delaware and West Virginia. Thanks fellas.
That's it for Philly Phodder until the commencement issue, so it's time for that clich?©d yearbook-style message: Have a great summer.
