Though many underdog-team-of-misfits-achieve-victory-against-all-odds films have been made about football, they're not nearly as entertaining as what Hollywood has to offer regarding football's biggest enthusiasts: cheerleaders.
So in honor of Homecoming, what would happen if cinema's most notorious cheerleaders were to go head-to head in a vicious yet cheery battle to the death? If Kirsten Dunst's overstressed head cheerleader in "Bring it On" (2000), Mena Suvari's underage seductress cheerleader of "American Beauty" (1999), Kristy Swanson's undead-ass kicking cheerleader from the original "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1992) movie, and Natasha Lyonne's lesbian cheerleader of "But I'm a Cheerleader" (1999) were to duke it out, who would win?
Kirsten Dunst takes on disadvantaged but saucy cheerleaders in "Bring it On" but no flashy showing of jazz hands can save her or overprivileged squad from coming in second place at the film's end. We all know that second place is the first loser and so Dunst and her Toros don't even make it to the ring due to a suffocating amount of pure shame.
Though Suvari appears diminutive and weak as Angela Hayes, she projects a freakishly strong aura about her which could take her far in this competition. Angela turns out to be a bit of a tease who brags about her invented sexual escapades and lesbian cheerleader Megan would have no tolerance for this. She'd send Angela's rose petal covered hiney running with her real tales of homosexual reversal camp love before Buffy could even get a kick in.
Meanwhile, the original Buffy waits in the corner and, wow, she is pissed. First of all, her life of cheerleading and shopping is, like, totally interrupted and she has to spend her time killing the undead.
Secondly, she has a young Luke Perry as a boyfriend and he's always brooding, not to mention her friends think he's weird. All that pent-up rage plus all her experience slaying vampires makes Buffy this match's clear-cut winner. She'd probably stab Megan, the only remaining cheerleader, in the heart with a stake and call it a day. Happy Homecoming!
-by Diana Landes
