As Christmas lights, music and overall joy creep upon us, we've decided to bring together four of Christmas's most memorable friends for this week's cage match, Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Jesus.
What begins as a congenial Christmas celebration quickly turns ugly when Santa snatches the last star-shaped sugar cookie out from underneath Frosty's cold, snowy fingers. Frosty's beady coal eyes narrow - he really, really wanted that cookie.
He takes a puff on his corncob pipe and shouts, "Santa is a fat, old, reindeer-loving cookie-stealer."
Accusations of bestiality and obesity put a slight damper on Santa's Christmas spirit. He brushes cookie crumbs out of his beard, picks up his sack of presents, and begins beating Frosty over the head with it.
At this point, Rudolph and Jesus, who have been discussing whether or not talking deer have souls, decide to intervene.
Rudolph sides with his old friend Santa, while Jesus starts talking about the Golden Rule. Rudolph starts ramming Frosty with his horns, and it's clear that things aren't going well for the Snowman, who now resembles snowflakes more than snowballs.
Jesus is doing more preaching than smiting (surprise), and makes the mistake of stepping between Rudolph and the remains of Frosty. Rudolph has gone into a deadly rage, consumed with his hate for Frosty. He accidentally gores Jesus, and Jesus dies.
This cheers Santa up quite a bit: Now he has no competition. Then divine punishment in the form of a plague of locusts and AIDS arrives, and quickly kills Santa and Rudolph. Jesus is resurrected three minutes after he died, and wins the Christmas cage match.
