Dear Jonas Brothers,
Let's face it, we here at the Daily aren't exactly the crowd that you're aiming for, and we understand that. Actually, the only things we know about you are that you are somehow tied to Disney, you make craptastic pop music and you have incredibly stupid Jew-fros even though you're all devout evangelical Christians. Sadly, that's all we need to know in order to hate you. And make no mistake: You are no friends of ours.
If it wasn't bad enough that tween females have Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens for role models (however hot they may be), they now have you three clowns for heartthrobs. It wouldn't be that bad if you guys were really, really ridiculously good looking, but let's face it, you're not. You're on about the same level with Justin Guarini, and he could actually sing.
Perhaps worst of all is how vocal you are about your religious beliefs, namely the fact that you don't believe in sex before marriage, drinking, smoking or any form of drug use. It's just annoying how much press you've gotten about how "you're over the fact that you're so different because you're oh-so clean.' Instead of bling, you rock purity rings. We have no issues with abstinence here at the Daily (well ... maybe), but building up your ‘pure image' like this is just going to make it all the funnier for us when you go on a wicked acid trip and lose it all. Let's be honest: You're not the first Disney clean-child puppets, and you won't be the last to end up on the front page of tabloids fat, sad and in handcuffs. We laughed at Lohan, Duff and Spears, and we'll laugh at you.
Here's our prediction: If all goes according to plan, the youngest brother, whoever he is, let's call him Ignantz for now, will knock up some C-list Disney co-star and go in US Weekly talking about his "journey to adulthood." This will make him even more annoying because anyone with a brain will know Ignantz realized, "Hey, this sex thing is fun! What's a condom? Oh well, wheee!" We'll always have the music, though. Wait, what song do you guys do? It's that "Seven Things" ditty, right?
Talk to us after you grow some chest hair and learn about real life,
The Daily Arts Department
