Dear Carrie Fisher,
As you probably read in yesterday's review of your one-woman show, "Wishful Drinking" (I'm assuming you follow the Daily religiously, as you should), you ask during your set how exactly one goes about using a Princess Leia sex doll.
Well, I'll tell you. A Princess Leia sex doll is no ordinary sex doll, especially because they go for around 300 bucks a pop (note the hilarious pun). Before romancing your Leia, make sure to take the time to take her out somewhere extremely public and have a very loud conversation with her. In fact, just yell, preferably in Swedish. Then take her shopping and treat her to the finest gold-plated lingerie money can buy. If she agrees to wear it, that's a good sign.
At the end of the night, you'll probably get some — as long as the female dirigible is willing to put out, but don't expect that. If she doesn't feel the dynamic is working, just spend some more quality time with her to prove that you're a decent, upstanding guy. Let her follow you around the next day, perhaps allowing her to sit on the back of your riding mower as you do some landscaping; chicks love that. Your neighbors will think it's adorable how well you two get along.
See what interests you have in common, but whatever you do, don't make her feel objectified. That's just wrong. Fictitious sci-fi babes are people too. People with no feelings, who would be dead if they had an "inside."
Hope this helps.
P.s. — pass the word on to George Lucas that we're all clamoring for an R2D2 sex doll next. Thanks.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
