From the Office of the Tufts Daily

Dear Beyoncé,

    We at the Daily are rather befuddled by your recent decision to change your name — or, at least, stage name — to Sasha Fierce. Since your marriage to long-time bf Jay-Z, it seems that you can no longer associate your real name with your overly sexed stage presence. This sudden split personality is not only silly, but downright confusing. Next time you tell us to "Say My Name," we won't know which one you mean, because, frankly, "you actin' kinda crazy."
    Did you hit yourself on the head with one of your big, metal Grammy awards? If you're going to choose an alter ego, at least make it something catchy. You've really spoiled the single-name, Madonna-like fame you had going for you by choosing a title only Tyra Banks would find empowering. You don't need to adopt a porn-star persona to establish that you're bootylicious.
    We had hoped you wouldn't follow the clichéd path of the fallen sex symbol, á la your gurlz Britney Spears and Mariah Carey, but with this name change, it frankly doesn't look good. Be careful, or the next thing you know, you'll be starring in a "fictional" movie thinly masking your own music career, entitled "Sparkle."
    On the plus side, your attempt at creativity has inspired us to adjust our image at the Daily. We ask that you now refer to each of us as "Editor Sassy" in an effort to recognize our wittier, sexy writer personalities. What's that? You think the name is ridiculous? Clearly, you just aren't ready for this jelly.

Sincerely, The Daily Arts Department