Dear unborn fetus of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz,
First of all, we here at the Daily are eagerly anticipating the announcement of your name. If Pete Wentz's track record with Fall Out Boy is any indication, we're looking at a 13-to-15-word name that includes a mediocre pun or an "in" joke that's over the heads of us simpletons. We were thinking of something like the track "I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" from your father's sophomore album, "From Under the Cork Tree" (2005), except maybe a tad more pertinent.
How does "I Slept with Ashlee Simpson for Press Coverage and Now I Have to Spend the Next 18 Years of My Life Raising The Most Beautiful Little Mistake I Should Have Considered Before I Tried So Hard to Touch Her Boobs (oh crap)" sound? You could just use the parenthesized title as a nickname.
You're also going to be the cutest little emo baby the world has ever seen. As soon as your bangs grow out long enough, Mommy and Daddy can give you your first emo-swoosh and teach you how to look lost and lonely. Then again, it's probably going to be rough growing up, because your dad might cry more than you, or expect you to express your emotions through witticisms before you even know how to make poopoo in the toilet like a big boy.
Oh well, at least you'll have a MILF. Your mom has a really cute sister she could hook you up with, too.
Yours in love and death,
The Daily Arts Department
