Dear Producers of "Saw,"
"Saw V?" Really? The last series that shamelessly pursued this many sequels was probably "The Land Before Time," (remember installment twelve, when the dinosaurs survived again?), and that's saying something. For a series to continue, there must be some evolution in the story, something worth delving into for five-times-90 minutes. We're shocked that a pair of producers such as yourselves can find any more plot points to explore in this soon-to-be quintuplet of films. Wait, scratch that. Most surprising is that you believe that "Saw" had any plot to begin with.
Sure, the deranged Jigsaw has some crazy karmic scheme to make people appreciate their lives by bringing them to the brink of death. But everyone knows that these films are just an excuse for you to play out your most twisted torture nightmares on a host of disposable C-list actors, nightmares which are far more gruesome and detailed than those of the average American. You're not fooling us. There isn't much more to these movies than blood and guts and the occasional pig mask. Edgar Allen Poe is rolling in his grave over your lack of poeticism. You make Keats cry.
At this point, we'd rather do a 50,000-piece puzzle of kittens than listen to Jigsaw breathe "Wanna play a game?" one more time. Not to mention the misleading taglines in the commercials: "You won't believe how it ends." Upon hearing this from the television, we thought "Oh, thank God!" only to find out that Tobin Bell is slated for a "Saw VI" (2009).
Oh wait, what was that? Crackle, crackle. Hello producers, I want to play a game. It's called: Get rid of this series once and for all or you might wake up to find yourselves chained to a sink, sitting in a pit of needles with a bear trap firmly locking your head in place and only 60 seconds to simultaneously eat your own ear and solve an algebra problem. Will you sacrifice your dignity for the money of sadomasochistic teenagers across the nation, or put Jigsaw to rest? Make your choice.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
