Tufts student brutally tortured for not voting

    A freshman was hospitalized for second-degree burns yesterday as a result of a brutal tarring-and-feathering staged by the leaders of the group Tufts Votes, a student-run organization that works to achieve, uh, "civic engagement" among Jumbos. Whatever that means. The freshman, Ira GoldenMcbergstein, had outraged campus leaders after admitting to having "forgotten" to mail absentee ballots in time for his vote to be counted.
    But when he tried to report the violent incident to the Judicial Affairs Office, GoldenMcbergstein found he was in for a surprise — the Dean of Students Having Affairs instead told the non-voter he was not welcome on the Tufts campus any longer.
    "I expelled GoldenMcbergstein because he's just ig'nant. It's dumb not to vote in this day and age and I support the actions of Tufts Votes," the dean told the Daily. "And if I hadn't punished him for not voting, the Tufts Democrats would have probably kicked my ass. Tufts is trying to post a 100 percent voter turnout rate, or at least show as much voter turnout as some of the Ivies."
    "Like, it's like, just really gay to like, not vote," one Tufts Votes leader told the Daily. "And I don't mean gay like homo, I mean gay like retarded. I mean … I don't mean retarded like, retards, like Sarah Palin's baby or whatever, but like, just fucked up. It's just fucked up to not vote."
    GoldenMcbergstein said that while he had registered and applied for an absentee ballot, he had gotten confused as to the deadline to vote in his home state of New Jersey.
    "When I realized the mistake I had made, I immediately burned the absentee ballot and told everyone I knew that I'd mailed it in," he said. "But somehow they found out. When I came back to my dorm from class yesterday, people from Tufts Votes were waiting in my room."
    "This is a historic election, you fucking idiot," the Tufts Votes president said. "There's a black dude running for president … I think he's black, right? Well, he's either black or Muslim. He's a minority. You have to vote. And we explicitly gave students a list of deadlines for absentee ballots. I think this will be the last time that any Jumbo forgets to vote."
    VOTE, YOU ASSHOLES … UNLESS YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE TUFTS REPUBLICANS, IN WHICH CASE, PLEASE DON'T VOTE LOLOLOL KTHXBYE.