From the Office of the Tufts Daily

Dear Disney XD network,
    Last Friday (the 13th) was unlucky in every way except one: you! We, the Daily Arts Department, are so glad that Disney finally took the time to create a cable TV channel that specifically addresses the needs of boys aged 6 to 14. No more Barbie. No more pink. Finally, American boys will be able to tune in 24/7 to watch shows that will turn them into brave, consumption-oriented men. So what if they become pale and obese in the process?
    Boy-oriented programming may also impede the growing popularity of girlie-man celebrities like The Jonas Brothers. If Joe Jonas had slightly longer hair, highlights and breasts, he could be a Hannah Montana stunt double. And we're not judging a book by its cover, here. The Jonas Brothers wear promise rings. Not manly. Each one probably spends more time getting his hair and nails done than Paris Hilton. Not manly. They routinely wear pink and have a fashion stylist. Not manly.
    Our boys need heroes that do manly things like beat the crap out of each other, eat red meat and rescue damsels in distress. It is our fervent hope that Disney XD will bring fart jokes, slapstick humor and bodily function mishaps back to their rightful place on television. A healthy dose of violence and objectification of women won't hurt, either. Then again, maybe girls should be banned from this channel completely. Everyone knows the X chromosome is contagious. It makes your brain shrink.
    Finally, on a more personal level, we are excited to share the pleasures of shows like "Kid Knievel" and "Even Stevens" with our younger male friends. What better excuse for a sleepover than "Aaron Stone"? We can eat candy and build a fort with blankets! And — oh yeah: No girls allowed.

Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department