From the Office of the Tufts Daily

 Dear "MTV Spring Break 2009,"
    There's nothing we like more than drunken flesh-fests, unless, of course, you count watching drunken flesh-fests from the safety and comfort of our parents' living-room sofas. That's why we always look forward to spring break, when we can turn to you, MTV, for our yearly dose of bump-and-grind voyeurism.
    This year's spring break coverage, however, failed to arouse our curiosity in the same way that "MTV Spring Break 2008" did. Last year, it was much harder to thrust ourselves into the real world and accomplish more productive spring break activities like tanning, visiting friends, traveling or catching up on schoolwork.
    We believe that this year's event, which took place at Panama City Beach, Fla., couldn't stand up to its predecessors, primarily because Ms. Tila Tequila was not involved. The featured artists, namely Lil' Wayne, Asher Roth and Jim Jones, failed to rise to the occasion in the same way that Ms. Tequila did last year. The featured shorts by The Lonely Island were also disappointing; it seemed as though the trio could never really get into the spring break mentality.
    We firmly believe that Ms. Tequila embodies MTV Spring Break. She looks good in a bathing suit, she's profit-oriented and great at marketing herself, she'll have sex with just about anything that's breathing (though even that may not be a limitation), and, for God's sake, her name involves both alliteration and an alcoholic beverage.
    Ms. Tequila is also a superb judge of quality relationships. Last year, she crowned a Spring Break Fantasy Couple. She moderated intense competitions in which, among other things, participants had to soap each other down and squirt toothpaste in their lovers' mouths. We applaud the fact that there were no fatties or even merely moderately attractive contestants; Ms. Tequila obviously understands the importance of superficial beauty.
    So, MTV, next year we hope you include Tila Tequila in your spring break coverage. It's completely doable and easily a decision we could get behind.

Yours truly,
The Daily Arts Department