All of my friends who have had their birthdays recently seem to be terrified of growing up. They feel like once they leave their teens that all of a sudden they have to start being real people, a contributing member of "society."
I turn 20 in June and I don't see what the big deal is. Just because I might be entering the work force soon doesn't mean I have to stop giving my friends "wet willies." (That's when you lick your finger and stick it in someone's ear ... Get your head out of the gutter.) And it certainly doesn't mean I have to write a sports article with no jokes about poop, farts or even pubic hair! So, without further ado, here are 10 things to think about before spring break:
1. Pubic hairs are the pennies of the hair world. You find them everywhere and it's always disappointing.
2. Terrell Owens should be a Patriot. In fact, I think it was the Pats' responsibility to the rest of us to test their mortal limits as a football team. What would have happened if the best quarterback in the league had these three Grade-A receivers -- who actually would complement each other perfectly -- to throw to? Would the world have collapsed into itself? Would the football gods have allowed this? It's such a crazy situation, I can't really fathom it. That's why they had to do it!
3. Except for lotto cards, scratching is never the answer.
4. If you haven't seen them already, watch the highlights of the Netherlands taking down the Dominican Republic at the World Baseball Classic. It looked like a Little League World Series game. Every time a team scored, players were hopping up and down, high-fiving and sprinting out of their dugout in ecstasy. The idea that this tournament could turn into the World Cup of the Americas doesn't seem that crazy anymore.
5. There's nothing worse than walking into a bathroom and not being able to find the light switch. You feel up the walls on both sides of the door and come up empty. You walk back outside to see if you missed it and then head back in to find it's next to the sink. Let's universalize this placement: left side of the doorway and that's final!
6. A recent ESPN poll showed that most Americans think my Yankees are going to finish third in the AL East. I'm generally a very pessimistic fan who tends to overestimate other teams' strengths and overestimate my teams' shortcomings. But this year, I love my team. Am I the only one who sees Sabathia, Burnett, Wang, Chamberlain and Pettitte going every five days? That's the kind of rotation you put together when you turn "fair trades" off on your baseball video game.
7. If you welcome someone with open arms, you're considered friendly. If you welcome someone with open legs, you're considered a sex offender or a whore.
8. Kevin Durant won't be allowed to buy a beer legally until Sept. 29, and he's currently averaging 26 points a game. He's stuck on the seventh-worst team in the league, so oftentimes his numbers go overlooked. But this kid should be a national story. He's one of the best offensive forces the league has seen in a while and he still has a ton of growing to do. Where is his ceiling?
9. Alex Rodriguez is that kid who lives his life always aware that someone is watching. You never liked that kid, and you probably don't like A-Rod.
10. The supposed best prospect in the history of baseball's amateur draft is this kid Stephen Strasburg from San Diego State. His fastball can hit triple digits and he apparently has a pretty filthy slider and changeup. Obviously, he's represented by Scott Boras.
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