From the Office of the Tufts Daily

Dear Woody Harrelson,

We heard that last week you punched a photographer in the face because you mistook him for a zombie.

Let's break this down:

"Last week you punched a photographer in the face..." okay that's understandable. Photographers are annoying and were put on God's green earth to be punched in the face. Fair enough. "...because you mistook him for a zombie." Okay, so you actually thought this guy was a zombie.

You just finished filming "Zombieland" (2009), in which, apparently, you play "the most frightened person on Earth." It is unclear from the IMDB.com description if there are actual zombies involved or if you're just a person who's always scared. One of these answers makes it a horror movie, one makes it ridiculous.

Also, let us for a moment assume that this photographer had actually been a zombie. Punching him in the face would not be a good strategy for protecting yourself. A punch would just enrage the zombie and/or get your hand eaten. If this was the case, this letter would be addressed to Zombie Woody Harrelson.

It is a blessing, however, that you are so uneducated in the art of zombie massacring. It is well-known that the best way to re-kill a zombie is by removing the head or destroying the brain. Let's repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.

Let's imagine you did that, Mr. Harrelson. This is how the current letter would have started had you known that: "Last week, you decapitated a TMZ photographer at New York's LaGuardia Airport because you mistook him for a zombie. Nicely done, sir. We commend you for your heroism and action in the face of danger."

We'll chalk this one up to some serious method acting, and we predict "Zombieland" to sweep this year's Academy Awards for the dedication you have shown to your craft.

Please get some help. Sincerely, The Daily Arts Department