From the Office of the Tufts Daily

Dear Vincent Offer Schlomi (a.k.a. ShamWOW Guy),

We get it. In this bad economy it must be hard to be a pitchman for such a ridiculous product as the ShamWOW (a super absorbent chamois that doesn't really work like you tell us) and the SlapChop (a vegetable slicer which has been around for ages).

It doesn't surprise us that you would turn to carnal comforts, or that you would have to buy the companionship of a woman. We couldn't see anyone actually wanting to spend any time with you based off your sleazy pitches and awful self-written, produced and directed straight-to-DVD bomb.

But you crossed a line, a fine line and code of ethics when dealing with a sex-for-hire worker. Even if you do something to piss her off and she bites your tongue, you shouldn't retaliate physically; you take your money and get out of there instead of using your "SlapChop" action to give her a shiner.

Who knew that you, of all people, a spiky-haired, nasally voiced, Seacrest lookalike could pack a punch that would totally destroy a woman's face? Did she really deserve that?

To take words from your own commercial, "Life is hard as it is, you don't want to cry anymore" -- too bad your mug shot is making people all over the world cry tears of laughter. You look aged, frazzled and totally beaten on. Maybe it's time to give it all up.

You've definitely jumped the shark and there are plenty of other spokesmen out there we would rather see on our televisions all the time (read: Billy Mays, all day, everyday... or that British guy that you see every so often). Since the prosecutors declined to file charges against either you or the prostitute, maybe it is time to take a vacation with all your products in tow. You know, something like this: "tacos, fettuccini, linguini, martini, bikini."

Sincerely,

The Daily Arts Department