Everyone has his or her own specific way of attempting to predict the future. The Mayans have their calendar, Tom Hanks had the Zoltar Machine and Nostradamus had his patented Magic 8 Ball.
But when it comes to baseball, barely anything is set in stone. Who would've thought the Tampa Bay Rays would rise and fall faster than Disney stock? Was Zack Greinke as a Cy Young candidate even imaginable before the season? Could anyone have foreseen that Barry Bonds would be accused of doing steroids? Okay, that last one was obvious.
The point is that Major League Baseball is simply one roller coaster ride after another. With the World Series starting Wednesday night, I will attempt to do the unthinkable. Here, for the low, low price of nothing, I offer you 10 Fall Classic predictions, plus one bonus prognostication, all hassle-free, gluten-free and 100 percent guaranteed to come true.
Prediction 1: Kate Hudson, Alex Rodriguez's girlfriend, and Matthew McConaughey will star in the sequel of their 2003 hit movie, titled "How to Lose a Slump in 10 Days," featuring the story of Rodriguez and how he shook off his playoff woes to help carry the Yankees to the World Series. Of course, the story will end as Hudson, playing herself, and McConaughey, starring as A-Rod, ride off into the distance on a motorcycle, the former injecting the latter with anabolic steroids and feeding him tic-tacs as the credits roll.
Prediction 2: I will get blasted for my extensive knowledge of Kate Hudson's filmography.
Prediction 3: Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels, second-baseman Chase Utley and outfielder Jayson Werth, as well as New York's pitcher A.J. Burnett, will form the "Bro Chill Bro Club" for people whose names sound like they belong on the quad shirtless, strumming a guitar, with a Natty in hand. Consequently, Ryan Howard and Cliff Lee will get jealous and form the club for people with two first names. The verdict is still out on whether or not Jorge Posada will be allowed into this group, as my Spanish is quite rusty.
Prediction 4: Yankees hurler Phil Coke will either be exploited by the Coca-Cola Company, which will force him to do a repeat of the Mean Joe Green Coke commercial, or he will be the poster boy for the Columbian drug trade.
Prediction 5: Some cute kid will sing the Star Spangled Banner, lisping on "Oh say can you see." Simultaneously, 50,000 hard-cut New Yorkers previously shouting at each other about "red lights," "pizza pies," and "yo mamas" will swoon.
Prediction 6: Phillies pitcher Chad Durbin will become the first baseball player to Tweet from the mound, posting "lolz totes strux out Jeter. Go Phillz!"
Prediction 7: When A-Rod hits a game-winning home run, the New York media will break the unofficial record for most "New Mr. October" references, originally set by our most esteemed managing editor Mr. Dave Heck.
Prediction 8: The first Joba the Hut joke will be made about Joba Chamberlain. I can't believe this hasn't gotten more popular. It's like the "Little Big League" of nicknames.
Prediction 9: My friend, who inexplicably likes every sports team from Philadelphia except the Phillies, will tell me for the 1,856th time that the Yankees suck. It's a good thing his beloved Braves are doing so well as to validate that statement.
Prediction 10: Should Pedro Martinez start Game 2 in the Bronx, the sheer magnitude of boos emanating from the stands will register on the Richter scale, replacing the 1989 World Series as the official "Earthquake Series."
Prediction 11: In light of the news regarding a potential transit strike in Philadelphia, the Yankees will be unable to attend Game 3 after finding no one to drive their team bus, forcing the Phillie Phanatic to have a fist fight with George Steinbrenner to decide the winner. The former will emerge victorious, helping the Phillies avoid a New York sweep.
Regarding whether or not these will actually come true, I deferred to my Magic 8 Ball, which promptly spit back in my face the message: "outlook is bleak."
Guess I can't be Nostradamus for Halloween. Time to find that slutty nurse costume.
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Alex Prewitt is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Alexander.Prewitt@tufts.edu.
