Following a knock at my door the other night, one of my housemates promptly crashed in my chair to agonize about her current guy situation.
After she had subtly deflected a couple of informal date invites, the guy involved had finally gotten himself together to ask her on a real dinner date. After reading his Facebook message proposal out loud, she sighed and said, "I mean, I really don't think I'm attracted to him, but he's so nice. I don't want to turn him down again."
"Woa," I thought. "This is turning into such a classic pity date situation."
Most people have made the mistake of going on one at some point — a pity date is when you go out with someone for reasons other than being attracted to them. It's a date you feel guilted into for one reason or another. They're not unlike pity hookups, except you usually can't just blame it on the al(al-al-al-al-al)cohol.
Why do so many of us soberly agree to go on these dates that we don't really want to be on?
You have my housemate, on one hand, who dreaded turning someone down. It's a pretty common way to react. No one wants to hurt someone else's feelings, but leading someone on is just going to end up hurting him worse down the line.
Others blame social pressure. A guy friend of mine was recently involved with a girl that he had so many friends in common with that he couldn't imagine turning her down for fear of making things awkward for everyone else. To make the situation worse, none of those friends could stop talking about how cute the two of them would be together.
Another one of my housemates suggested that, sometimes, you agree to a pity date because you really just want the situation to work out. Maybe you really want to be in a relationship or you want to go out on a date. Maybe you just want there to be a spark, when it's really just not happening.
Don't settle. If you're 98 percent sure that you have no chemistry with someone, don't try convincing yourself that you're only 80 percent sure and that "there's still potential!" Hoping for a spark isn't going to create one. If it's not there, don't force it.
"But they're really, really cool and nice and reliable and …" Well, great, but isn't that what friends are for?
The aforementioned guy friend of mine offered up another reason why someone might accept a pity date: "It's called being a p--sy," he said. And you know what? He's right.
No more pity dates. If you're not interested, bite the bullet and go through with the rejection. If you accept a date that you're really just not that into, you're only getting the other person's hopes up. You're leading him or her on.
And thinking about it from the pity date's perspective, would you really want to be on a date with someone who was secretly feeling squeamish the whole time? Would you want to put effort into getting ready for a date when the other person had already decided that things weren't going to work out?
It might not seem like it during the rejection phase, but you're doing the other person a favor by not leading them on and suffering through an awkward date.
Everyone makes mistakes. Despite my best arguments, my housemate still felt guilted into going out with Mr. Facebook Message. We'll see how that goes.
Sometimes it takes suffering through your first pity date to realize just how bad they can be. But at least you'll know for next time that if you're just not feelin' it, it's best not to pursue it.
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Emily Maretsky is a senior majoring in engineering psychology. She can be reached at Emily.Maretsky@tufts.edu
