There are five movie posters hanging in my room back home. Three of them are of romantic comedies. I've received a number of comments from friends who come to visit. "Dude … you have a poster of ‘When Harry Met Sally' … you know that, right?"
In my defense, it's the best romantic comedy of all time. That's right. I said it. People can argue with me, but they're wrong for one reason: "When Harry Met Sally" addresses a very important, contestable question, a question I've tried to answer all of my life.
Can men and women be friends without sex getting in the way? Harry says no. Sally says yes.
I'm with Sally. And considering my track record, I'd better be.
College was no different than high school for me. I've always had more girl friends than guy friends. It's why I feel so comfortable living with eight girls. I have five close guy friends. But that's it, really. Every other one of my close friends is a girl. Sex — or romantic feelings — very rarely gets in the way of my platonic relationships with my girl friends, especially my housemates.
I think it's almost universally agreed that friendships form when two people find something attractive about each other. One friend made a point to distinguish being attracted to someone and pursuing an attraction. It's possible to acknowledge a friend's attractiveness without jumping on them. That being said, when forging a friendship with someone new, we evaluate her or him to determine our level of sexual attraction. For me, this process is purely subconscious. For others, it's the first thing that comes to mind.
I've talked to many people about this subject, and guys tend to think that sex usually gets in the way of friendships with girls. But an interesting discussion with two girls who were devoted members of Team Harry sparked my interest in this topic. Their argument seemed mostly biological. One girl said, "If I'm friends with a guy and we get along, we might as well fulfill our other basic human need." Her friend added that we are attracted to people because, biologically, we want to have sex and make offspring with genetically attractive features.
The biological perspective is an interesting one, but it seems to simplify a process that can be more emotional and psychological than just having sex with a friend who happens to be a good genetic fit.
We all prioritize sex differently. Some of us are more sexual than others, and it seems like these people are more willing to side with Team Harry in the debate. If living in a house with eight girls has taught me one thing, it's that everyone is different. Personally, sex is not high on my list of priorities, while meeting new people is. I don't immediately evaluate new girl friends based on how sexually compatible we would be. On the contrary, I evaluate people based on how compatible our personalities would be. That's why I'm with Sally in this debate.
On the other hand, I've been in a number of situations where my romantic feelings for someone else were not reciprocated, or vice versa. And in those circumstances, romantic feelings definitely do get in the way of friendship. The difference between this and Harry's position is our ability to move past romantic awkwardness and pursue close friendships without the tension.
And that's why I stand by my opinion. Sally is right. There can be sexual tension and it can ruin friendships between men and women. But it all depends on the maturity of those involved, whether they can move past it and whether they can forge meaningful friendships with the opposite sex. But without the sex. And that's how I get through the day, living with eight women.
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Griffin Pepper is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at Griffin.Pepper@tufts.edu.
