Dear Tiger Woods,
We're not here to judge you. We've actually heard of you, which is more than we can say of most athletes. You're a good golfer — the best, even! — but you've made some mistakes. And we're not talking about having an affair. That's silly, but that's your own business. We're talking about who you had these affairs with.
According to the latest counts, the number of mistresses you've had is up to 11. They include two porn stars, a television broadcaster, a lingerie model, a waitress and a bunch of randos you've found in various places. Not to sound too terrible or anything, but if you're going to be a bad person (whoops, there comes the judgment), do it big.
You should only be having extramarital relations with huge stars.
We're not talking about Joslyn James, who you did have an affair with. She's a porn star, and until Hollywood starlets are DVDAing on the silver screen, porn stars don't count as stars. You should've been sleeping around with everyone else who is making bank on your level.
We'll give you some ideas: Britney Spears, Natalie Portman, all of the Spice Girls, Venus and Serena Williams, Jessica Alba, Jessica Rabbit, Jessica Simpson, Marge Simpson, OJ Simpson, Georgia O'Keefe, Tatum O'Neal, O. Henry ... and the list goes on and on and on.
These people would have been a big deal and probably a lot more fun for you. Imagine if you slept with Georgia O'Keefe. Have you seen her paintings? Woman must've been a freak in the sack!
Just think about it, Tiger. Rrrow!
Much (safe, platonic, marital, consensual) love,
The Daily Arts Department
