Dear Kate Gosselin,
So, we heard you've been invited to be a contestant on the 10th season of "Dancing with the Stars." Isn't that nice? Some two-bit hack of a producer at ABC thought you might be good for a few cheap laughs and a small ratings boost. You know, to pull in the housewife demographic, or because of some other equally asinine piece of marketing logic.
We at the Daily, however, think it's time you just stopped. Lay low. Drop off the grid. Give the American public a bit of respite from your annoying whine of a voice and your absurd, tilt-a-whirl hairstyles.
By the way, we're not sure if you were going for a Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls look, but we thought we'd let you know that neither the band nor the hairdo has enjoyed mainstream success since 1985. And no, we don't care that you got a new haircut to look normal; you'll always have weird hair to us.
Seriously, haven't you done enough damage to your eight children? You basically exploited the fruit of your own uterus for money and fame on "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" (2007-2009). Then there was that messy divorce that effectively destroyed the show, and probably left indelible psychological scars on your kids.
As long as we're on the subject of your kids, what on earth could have possibly inspired you to have sextuplets when you already had a three-year-old set of twins? We don't know if you've ever heard of a guy named Thomas Malthus, but we're pretty sure that your reckless disregard for the global problems of overpopulation would have him spinning in his grave.
While the network may be referring to you as "Reality's Most-Watched Supermom," we know what this is really about: You just can't stand for your 15 minutes of fame to end. Your books haven't become bestsellers, your talk show pilot flopped, and now you're just scrambling to get on network TV again.
Congratulations on your boundless hunger for attention and money.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
