Dear Miley Cyrus,
We heard about your new crib, and to put it bluntly, we're a little angry, since it's only been some 17 years since you were rolling around, sucking your thumb and drooling in one. We're still staying in dormitories and apartments, and you just landed yourself a 4,000 square foot property in Toluca Lake, Calif. It doesn't seem fair somehow, considering we thought you were only old enough to be purchasing Park Place and Broadway with Monopoly money.
What really disturbs us most is that this new place of yours boasts four bedrooms. What do you need those for? Oh, wait. It just hit us. You're planning on populating Miley Mansion with little Mileys and Liams in the future? Now it makes sense why you called your new home a "place of love." Excuse us while we throw up a little in our mouths. OK, back.
We'll admit, the few things we have to comfort us are the following: the knowledge that you are inheriting a house previously owned by one Freddie Prinze Jr. (really?!), and the fact that you were stupid enough to move only 100 feet from your parents' house. Hope you and your boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, can keep the noise down, or mommy and daddy might drop by when you least expect it. We keep repeating these hilarious details to ourselves to chase away the images of your sprawling lawn, tennis courts and swimming pool. Sometimes it works.
Since you've already signed on for this $3.4 million residence, the least you could do is invite us over and share the wealth with your fans. We hear Steve Carrell and the Jonas brothers are in the neighborhood, too, so maybe we should all get together, Nashville-style. We'll turn on some Britney and make it a Party in the U.S.A. If we feel like getting really crazy, maybe we can even start up a game of Monopoly.
Awaiting our invitation,
The Daily Arts Department
