One of my favorite lines and analogies in all of music — and all of popular culture, for that matter — comes from OutKast's 2001 smash-hit "So Fresh, So Clean." In it, Andre 3000 belts out the following verse:
I love who you are love, love who you ain't; you're so Anne Frank/Let's hit the attic to hide out for 'bout two weeks."
Now, ignoring the total insensitivity of comparing the plight of one of the most famous Holocaust victims to a desire to bang upstairs for 14 days, at least Andre 3000 and OutKast got their historical metaphor correct.
I wish I could say the same about Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder.
After the Dolphins' 26-10 loss to the Baltimore Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium on Sunday — Miami's fourth loss in its past six games — Crowder went on a tirade directed at the Ravens' Le'Ron McClain, accusing the fourth-year fullback of spitting in his face and disrespecting the man with the Zorro moustache.
Far be it from me to dispute Crowder's statement. Maybe fines will be handed out and maybe vengeance will be had, but my column doesn't exist to pass judgment on NFL players whom I barely know. Instead, I sit here and wonder how in the world Crowder confused Anne Frank with Helen Keller.
After Crowder went to complain to the refs about the spitting incident, according to him, they told him that they didn't see McClain spit in his face.
"Then they said something about they let [Miami linebacker] Karlos Dansby get away with a face mask the play before," Crowder said after the game. "Who the f--- cares? A guy just spit in my face! … Like they didn't see [Miami quarterback] Chad Henne get hit twice when he slid. Yeah, a little Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank."
So let's break this down step-by-step. Crowder claims that, even if the referees had seen McClain spit at him, they wouldn't have done anything as compensation for letting Dansby get a free face mask earlier in the game. As wrong as that may be, it hardly excuses Crowder's extraordinary lack of knowledge regarding famous suffering women.
Look, Channing. Chan-Chan. Chay-Dawg. Clam Crowder. I understand your metaphor here. I understand that you want to call the referees blind, that you want to reference famous blind people to cement your point. But couldn't you have called them Foot Locker employees and been on your way? Maybe made an African safari reference about some zebras falling behind the herd? You just had to bust out the eighth-grade textbook, didn't you? And you failed miserably.
One reporter caught on to his faulty reference and asked what a diary-writing Jewish girl hiding in an attic to avoid being taken by the invading Nazis had anything to do with missing calls.
"Who was that? Is that the blind girl? Helen Keller … I don't know who the f--- Anne Frank is. I'm mad right now. F--- it. I'm not as swift as I usually am," Crowder responded.
Hey, try to see the bright side, Mr. Crowder — at least you got 50 percent right. That's almost close to a passing grade, buddy. What's more, Anne Frank and Helen Keller are practically the same person anyway, so I totally see where you're coming from. They're both women … um, they both were young at one point … and they both died. You did it!
But seriously, don't worry about it. Focus on playing Tennessee next week. Channel that anger and negative energy into passion on the field, and maybe hit Titans quarterback Vince Young so hard he'll go blind.
You know, just like Anne Frank.
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Alex Prewitt is a junior majoring in English and religion. He can be reached on his blog at http://livefrommudville.blogspot.com.
