It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm currently sitting in a Dunkin' Donuts in Logan Airport. My flight doesn't leave until 6 p.m., but unfortunately, I have an unhealthy obsession with arriving early. I follow a very strict pattern whenever I go to the airport: I always fly Jetblue, I always arrive at least three hours early, I always carry both my driver's license and my passport, and I always dress in comfortable clothing.
There's not much to say about the ritual, but I probably should mention what I'm wearing for the sake of this column. I've donned cream harem pants, an off-white trapeze top, two necklaces with a skull and a dagger pendant, respectively, and a large-black-chunky-knit sweater. Not only is my outfit comfortable, it's also Vogue approved. I am currently the essence of airport fashion. And by this, I really mean that I am currently the essence of a cold shower.
Dressing so appallingly has its upsides though. As I sit waiting in a public place for more than two hours, no one comes up and tries to talk to me. Furthermore, no one will talk to me on my six-hour flight to Los Angeles. Actually, there's really only one upside: No one talks to me.
Now don't get me wrong, I like the way I look. In fact, I'm wearing some of my favorite pieces of clothing, though fashion may have made my self-perception a little warped. However, as I look around me, it is clear that I'm not the only one in lust-less clothing. Airports are possibly the only places in the world that have more sweatpant-donning people than an 8 a.m. college classroom. Everyone in this Dunkin' Donuts is wearing sweats or Uggs or both. Their faces are void of makeup ,and their hair is hanging dully around their cheeks. They look exhausted.
A question occurs to me: Who the hell wants to have sex on an airplane? The Mile High Club has been a term used for years to refer to individuals who have had sex in the middle of a flight. But with everyone dressed down, how do people even find the motivation? Add in the fact that an airplane bathroom is about the size of a shoebox, and I think you have just about the least-sexy situation ever. Well, with the exception of a runway show, of course.
Therefore, I'm here to offer a humble suggestion: If your chance of getting hit on is already minimal, due to your ratty high-school sweatpants and furry footwear, why not use your next flight as an opportunity to indulge in a few recent fashion trends? You've got nothing to lose.
When you contemplate what to wear to an airport, I suggest trying to channel a mixture of the Olsen twins and your neighborhood bag lady. This involves covering up as much skin as possible with an eclectic assortment of over-sized sweaters and maxi skirts. Full-facial coverage is an added plus, so pair your outfit with sunglasses the size of your grandpa's cataract shades and a hat worthy of Zorro.
If everything works according to plan, not only will you look like you "made an effort," but people will have no way of noticing whether or not you're attractive. Don't want to wear makeup? Don't want to do your hair? No problem. With the added comfort of being swathed in layers of fabric, you'll be able to enjoy a cozy, uninterrupted flight home — much like I will. Bon voyage!
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Ashley Wood is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at Ashley.Wood@tufts.edu.
