Dear Charlie Sheen,
A lot of people are mad at you, and just as many — if not more — are very worried about you. We would just like to say that we understand, and we're behind you. You've been having a rough time for a while: All that sex, drugs and starring in "Two and a Half Men" will take it out of a guy.
Especially when he's a pirate.
One of your … "friends" recently reported that your teeth are gold and that you try to hide this in public with some sort of fancy teeth-hiding device. At first, we thought that maybe you were a rapper, but then we did a bit of research and some quite reliable sources — both Google and Bing, Microsoft's decision engine — told us that you're not, in fact, a rapper. We were pretty sure that you were one of the Baja Men, but that was actually Nehemiah Hield. Easy mistake.
Since you're not a rapper, the only other possibility is that you're a pirate. This would explain the wild lifestyle — the adventure, the debauchery, the associations with wenches and, most importantly, the gold teeth.
You don't need rehab; you need the wind in your hair, a patch on your eye, a parrot on your shoulder and a sword between your teeth! Take to the seas, Captain Sheen!
A pirate's life is clearly the only thing for you. There'll be swordfights, rum, gold (teeth), skeletons all over the place rather than in your closet (with porn stars) and you'll never have to appear on "Two and a Half Men" again!
And if you need a crew to help with the partying and pillaging, we, the Tufts Daily Arts Department, volunteer to help you swab the poop deck, raise the sails and drink heavily on a boat. (We do not, however, volunteer to shiver your timbers.)
So bust out, steal a ship and start making a name for yourself on the high seas! Aaargh!
Best,
The Tufts Daily Arts Department
