W ith The Oscars officially over, I have nothing left to do except wallow in sadness that 363 days remain between now and the next installment of the world's greatest spectacle. Forget March Madness or Opening Day; I'd rather watch Natalie Portman. Who cares about the NBA Playoffs or the potential NFL lockout when the award for Best Live Action Short is on the line? Green outfields pale in comparison to red carpets.
In the interim, I need to find a way to sustain my attention. And thanks to my anonymous network of sources, I've stumbled across a gold mine. Currently in the works are a batch of remakes of this year's Best Picture nominees, and I have the exclusive synopses. And if these heart-pounding blurbs are any indication, next year's ceremony won't be nearly as painful.
"Inception": In a spine-tingling action-thriller, a down-and-out leader rallies the old gang together for one last corporate espionage. Funded by a wealthy Russian entrepreneur, these men infiltrate deep into the minds of a rival — planting an idea into the target's subconscious — to trade away his best player, the face of the franchise and arguably the best point guard in the NBA. Filled with shots (of the 3-point nature) and Favors (of the Derrick nature), this film is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat, even if the NBA's regular season cannot.
Starring: Avery Johnson, Mikhail Prokhorov and Deron Williams, with a guest appearance from Utah Jazz General Manager Kevin O'Connor as the bumbling village idiot.
"The Kids Are All Right": The follow-up to the wildly popular New York Jets installment of HBO's "Hard Knocks," this warm, romantic comedy tells the story of a working-class man whose sexual exploits land him in hot water after he discovers that he's fathered nine children with eight women across six states. Can his burgeoning football career bring in enough cash for child support, or will be have to put insulting pretty-boy quarterbacks on hold to raise a family?
Starring: Antonio Cromartie, Alonzo, Keris, Myjunia, His Daughter Who Just Turned Three, Another Son Named Tyler, Another Daughter Born Oct. 16 Named London, Another Daughter Named Lelani and A Newborn Named Jerzie.
"127 Hours": A documentary about the average twi-night double-header between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox.
Starring: Joe Girardi, Terry Francona, Cowboy Joe West and boredom.
"True Grit": A coming-of-age tale set in contemporary America, "True Grit" perfectly captures the heart and soul of the nation's pastime. We follow the lives of the grittiest of all baseball players as they rise to worldwide fame, giving 110 percent and putting their heart and soul into the game every time they step onto the field. Whether diving to reach ground balls, running hard on every play or sliding headfirst into home, these guys really look like they're just having fun out there. Against all odds, determination, scrappiness and true grit will carry them to the top.
Starring: Eric Byrnes, David Eckstein, Chone Figgins, Brett Gardner, Dustin Pedroia and, once more, David Eckstein.
Random non-sequitur: Maybe this year's batch of Best Picture nominees isn't for you. Maybe you long for the glory days when kids' sports movies were at their most cheesy. For nostalgia more than anything else, I've created the Kids' Sports Oscars, designed to award those '90s sports films we all grew up on.
Who was a better female character, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney or Becky "The Ice Box" O'Shea? What was funnier, the kissing booth scene from "Cool Runnings" (1993) or kissing Wendy Peffercorn in "The Sandlot" (1993)? What was more absurd, a 12-year-old becoming manager of the Twins or the Junior Goodwill Games making the front page of USA Today? You can vote for these categories — and 15 others — on my blog, which is linked below. The winners will be posted in the near future in a later version of this column.
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Alex Prewitt is a junior majoring in English and religion. He can be reached at Alexander.Prewitt@tufts.edu. His blog is livefrommudville.blogspot.com.
