Dear Charlie Sheen (again),
First and foremost, congratulations on winning.
It's nice to see celebrities reading our letters and taking our advice. A few weeks ago, after your first outburst, we wrote to you suggesting that maybe a typical, normative lifestyle is not suited for you and that you should probably follow your heart (pumping tiger blood through your veins) and live a pirate's life.
Now that you're drug free and shacked up with two beautiful goddesses, the only thing that's left is to wear an eye patch and move onto a ship.
But then again, maybe the open seas aren't the place for your fire-breathing fists. Stay where you are, and keep doing what you're doing. Everyone is calling you crazy and saying that you're erratic and bipolar (You showed them, though, with that awesome "bi-winning" zinger,) but we believe that you're the first celebrity to fully embrace reality.
You aren't the same as other people. You're special. You win constantly, and you are a "total bitchin' rockstar from Mars." Just like all celebrities. Thank you for revealing the truth.
This whole time, we knew that there was some conspiracy keeping us from reaching the level that you and your famous peers operate at. For a while, we thought it was some blend of cocaine and silicone, but you've blown the vault wide open and let the whole world know that it's something you're born with: Adonis DNA.
We accept our place as non-winning, non-bitchin', non-grandiose normal people. Please, for our sake at the very least, keep winning.
Also, none of our dealers have any Charlie Sheen. If you know a guy with any out in the Medford/Somerville area, please DM us his number on Twitter.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
