Hello, reader. We've gone on a couple of 600-word dates by now. You've gotten to know me a little. Before we go any further, there's something I should tell you. Please no judging. Promise?
OK, I cry a lot during movies. Sometimes it's a surreptitious sniffle — think of the final moments of "Toy Story 3" (2010) — other times I just bust out some Kleenex and sob into my popcorn — the first 10 minutes of "Up" (2009). It doesn't take too much to set me off. Last year's trailer for "Waiting for Superman" (2010) rendered me a big blubbering mess, and that was before the feature film had even started.
My tears elicit a variety of reactions. When I'm on a movie date with a girl, my crying oftentimes scores me some cute points. But when I'm with my guy friends, I might as well be wearing a Team Edward t-shirt.
The communal viewing experience means you oftentimes find yourself in a very emotionally vulnerable state while surrounded by complete strangers. This can lead to plenty of awkward encounters. While this outburst of emotion most often applies to crying, I'd argue that we are even more vulnerable during fits of laughter. It's tough to be the only one audibly crying, but it's even worse when you're the only one laughing. I've had that experience, and it wasn't pretty.
When I saw "Bridesmaids" (2011), I was one of the few with a Y-chromosome in attendance. Like any self-respecting, red-blooded American, I love any joke that incorporates sex, flatulence and/or fecal matter. So for me, the infamous bridal gown studio scene was absolutely hysterical. I laughed so hard that my body ached. The only issue: No one else in the theater was laughing. I could practically feel the audience members' menopausal judgments as they shook their heads in disapproval. Needless to say, I felt guilty for the rest of the movie.
Sometimes, you just can't help it. You get so caught up during a movie that you forget about the rest of the audience. For example, when I was flying back to America from Spain, I was running on one hour of sleep, several shots of absinthe and a churro. For whatever reason, I settled for "Music and Lyrics" (2007) as my in-flight entertainment.
In the film's climactic concert at Madison Square Garden, Hugh Grant serenades Drew Barrymore. The concertgoers respond with thunderous applause. Suddenly, I felt my own hands spasm into applause. It was only after a good 10 seconds that I realized that I wasn't in a movie theater or Madison Square Garden — I was on an airplane, sandwiched between a Spanish cat lady and what looked to be Kimbo Slice.
If these stories tell you anything, they should show my trepidation for cinema. In the comfort of my own home, I love a good movie-induced cry and laugh. I get to curl up on my beanbag with a pint of Half Baked ice cream. At home, I don't have to worry about being the only white person laughing at a joke in "Undercover Brother" (2002). The Casa Poldoian is a judgment-free zone: You can cry or laugh at whatever you want.
I want to see the movie "50/50" (2011), but have been too afraid to ask my friends. From what I've heard, "50/50" achieves the perfect balance of sidesplitting comedy and heartbreaking tragedy. "About Schmidt" (2002), "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (2004) and "Lars and the Real Girl" (2007) also succeeded in this regard. Maybe next weekend, I will muster up the strength to see the movie.
So, if you find yourself in the Somerville Theatre next Friday afternoon, take pity on that kid laughing or crying in the back row. Because more likely than not, that kid is me.
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Chris Poldoian is a senior majoring in Spanish and economics. He can be reached at Christopher.Poldoian@tufts.edu.
