Like all of you, I am swamped with midterm exams and papers. And like most of you, I spent this weekend not actually studying. My biggest vice: movie trailers. It's the perfect three−minute deferral. It's like tapas−style procrastination!
The other day, I saw a trailer for "Jack and Jill" (2012). For those who don't have Apple Movie Trailers bookmarked on their computers, "Jack and Jill" is about a man (Adam Sandler) and his twin sister (also played by Sandler). Judging by this snippet, they've essentially taken what might've worked as a five−minute Saturday Night Live sketch and stretched it into a feature−length film.
This film continues Sandler's downward spiral, which includes "Just Go With It" (2011) and "Click" (2006). The only time I laughed during "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" (2007) was when I saw its Razzie nominations. Something needs to be done.
Sandler isn't making funny films anymore. He's a prize horse that just isn't what he used to be. There's one solution: He needs to be put down. While we're at it, let's just send the entire cast of "Grown Ups" (2010) to the glue factory. David Spade, Rob Schnieder, I'm coming for you.
My proposal is modest: euthanize any actor who is no longer useful to society. It is our responsibility to save these poor souls from themselves. Actors tarnish their image by smothering their good work with crap movies. By ending actors' careers on a high note, everyone will be better off.
After cleaning out the comedy roster — which includes about half of the SNL alums — we will go after TV stars. Especially the actors who never transitioned out of a hit show. I'm looking at you, Matt LeBlanc!
So here's the deal: If an actor refuses to retire after a couple of failed attempts, they should be put down. Sure, there would be a couple of downsides. After all, had we axed the cast of "Seinfeld" (1990−1998) after the final episode, we wouldn't have all of those great Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials from Jason Alexander. Then again, nor would we have that painfully awkward Michael Richards n−word meltdown. So, I'd say it's a wash.
Our next target should be Robert De Niro. He epitomizes the older actor who should just rest on his laurels and golden Oscar figurines, but instead decides to make insipid movie choices.
Is there hope for redemption? Yes! De Niro hosted the Cannes Film Festival this year and founded the Tribeca Film Festival in 2002. He might also get a reprieve thanks to his prodigious past. But at the end of the day, there's no denying the existence of "Little Fockers" (2010).
Like a horrendous hookup, a bad movie decision will be the bane of that actor's existence. It will be frequently brought up in conversation with constant derision from friends, family and D−list celebs featured on Comedy Central Roasts. Basically, I'm using precious column space to beg my suitemates to stop mentioning that Zeta Beta Tau party from freshman year. Or that time last week when we were in line for Moe's. Or when… well, never mind.
What about washed up child actors? Sure, there's the rare exception. Before "Inception" (2010), Joseph Gordon Levitt was best known for "Angels in the Outfield" (1994).
But more often, child stars lead to nothing more than a series of drug arrests and crappy memoirs. So just cook them! A child star — whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled — would save us a lot of stress and People magazine articles. Did you know MacaulayCulkin was dating Mila Kunis for eight years? Had we cooked him up after "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" (1992), my romantic chances with Mila would have increased 1000−fold! Then again, zero multiplied by anything is still zero…
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Chris Poldoian is a senior majoring in Spanish and economics. He can be reached at Christopher.Poldoian@tufts.edu.
